Non-Week!!

Thus begins the non-week!

The days between Christmas and new year are what I call the non-week. For a start, it isn't quite a week, but it is the four days between what most people would call the two biggest events of the year; Christmas and New Year.

I think as humans we spend this non-week very well.

We all go out and get shitfaced.

--As a side note here, I'd like to mention the fact that the internet will underline 'christmas' as not a real word unless it has a capital C, but be completely fine with the word 'shitfaced' Which I always thought was just a made up word really. I guess it has found a way into our language (':  Just in time for non-week --

I just love the way that we all spend the next few days either completely drunk out of our minds, or drunk out of our minds but then spend the day time pretending not to be hungover to the relatives. I think it's awesome.

Anyway, I'm off to enjoy my non-week.

If you don't hear from me in the new year, I'm in a coma  in the hospital, someone come slap me out of it.

Christmas (sorry)

Personally I had the best Christmas that I've ever had.
Usually they're pretty shit, we all end up arguing and just generally having a bad time.
This year was the first that I had completely out of my mum's house.
Last year I was at my mum's in the morning, but I went off to spend the afternoon with that cunt who was actually not very nice to me for the whole of that day and therefore last Christmas was just as bad as any other.

This year, I went over to my sister's flat after spending the morning with the people I lodge with.
My sister made just the most amazing dinner, I suspect she is putting up pictures of the food in her Wordless Wednesday post today, so HERE is a link. It was absolutely bloody lovely.
My mum was there for some of the day as well, and my other sister came over for a few hours in the late afternoon. I got some fab presents (I'm not going to brag about them because I actually don't want to be writing about Christmas at all because everyone else is because it is Christmas time.) and I just generally had a fab time. My baby niece got so many presents that she didn't manage to get them all opened yesterday, which either means that she was extremely spoilt this year by everyone or that she was extremely uninterested in opening them.
To be honest, it was actually a bit of both.
She got the most amazing Christmas present off of me though.
A while back I went to the Victoria and Albert Museum in London to see the Hollywood costumes and  shit (which was amaze)
Afterwards I went in the shop, and I saw they had baby grows. And I couldn't resist buying the one that said 'The force is strong in this one' which is a star wars reference and my sister loves star wars and I am an amazing sister.

After I finished up at my sisters I got nice and shitfaced. More on being drunk this time of year later today/tomorrow. I've already written the post, but it has to be separate.



OH, and (sorry, couldn't last the whole post) I got a very nice leather bag (hardly ever use hand bags, this may be the changing point) with a leather purse, Some fab books, new bras (so that I finally have some that fit), new tshirts, brush and edible glitter. The biggest present I got was a nice lump of money that I can use to go towards buying my bike leathers.

Yes, you can buy edible glitter.

I love everyfuckingthing

Okay, so to recap my past couple of days.
Thursday I went to college, had no lessons, didn't end up going out anywhere, but got an awesome Christmas present, spent time with friends and played with mistletoe.
Friday I relaxed around my older sister's house with her baby, who is just trying to walk everywhere now and it is great fun to just have her hold your fingers and toddle everywhere. She had a few other people come around with their babies and that was pretty cool too. One of the little girls had learnt to crawl but because she's just learnt or whatever, she kind of does it so one leg is in front of her as she goes along, and I'm really sorry about this, but she just reminded me of the girl from the ring as she's climbing out of the well. Which is awful but kind of hilarious.
Then as you know I went out with a few friends to celebrate the end of the world, and rocked up home after we were sure nothing was going to happen.
I'm not going to lie; I'm actually very disappointed in the world for not doing anything.
What would have been great was if the power stations had just cut power everywhere for ten minutes. Just to freak people out. That would have been just hilarious. If I had a power station I would have done that for definite.
Everyone would have run around screaming for ten minutes.
Saturday... Spent the morning sleeping because I was so exhausted. Wrapped some presents up.. broke my rules by going off and having a nap and not going back to finish wrapping.
I started things rolling for buying my bike by ringing up and sorting out getting paperwork sent to me to get some moneys put in my bank so I can spend it.
My friend is definitely selling me his bike.
If he doesn't, and sells it to some other fucker before I give him the money, I am going to grab him by the balls and drag him through a field of nails and glass.
Just so he knows...
So yeah, have been a good couple of days.
I had some more bike lessons today.
That was fun. Did some turning with signals and stuff...
Can actually do U-turns now.
...Do you remember that post I did explaining what a CBT is? It's here in case you missed it.
Guess what happened today?
That's right bitches, I went on the road.
I did a total of about ten hours lessons overall before I was ready, and man was I ready.
Another guy showed up to go on the road as well, and I just shook my head at all the mistakes he made. Before we even left the training area.
Seriously, I don't think the way that they've set up the CBT is very good. Because it is literally a day course and then you're let loose. And you don't have to do a theory at all.
But still. I did great.
Except for that first round about.... But I was still fucking great. At least I didn't stall at the traffic lights and piss everyone off like the other guy because he didn't bother to switch back to first gear.
He messed up his hill start as well, which in turn messed up mine. I ran out of fingers counting how many times he stalled there. I was good at that.
My whole point to bitching about his driving is to show that I AM AMAZING AND AM TOTALLY FABULOUS AND I CAN DRIVE NOW AND OMG NOTHING CAN GO WRONG BECAUSE THE LAST FEW DAYS HAVE BEEN SOME OF MY BEST EVER AND I FUCKING LOVE IT.


I CAN RIDE A FUCKING BIKE.
Watch out hoes.

OMG

So, as the world was supposed to end yesterday, I went out for a meal with a few friends.
T'was good. They all had proper food and I had my little prawn sammich.
The place that we went did puddings that you could share with up to six other people.
They had one each.
And I felt very proper with my itsy little Sundae. Which I was very pissed off about because I had a spoon that wouldn't fit into the bottom of the bloody glass and we all know that that is the best part of a goddamn sundae. After a few minutes of debating whether or not I should scream at a waitor that I needed a smaller spoon, I realised that I could just use the end of my spoon. And then I cheered everyone else on as they gorged on their pudding.
Look, those are the puddings next to my friend with the blue hair, and I look like a dick in the back there so don't look at my face, but you can see my tiny pudding there.

So anyway, when we finished up there, me and my friend with blue hair ( henceforth referred to as Smurfette ) went off to tesco and spent the rest of the evening guzzling alcohol.
Which is actually extremely unusual for me. I almost never drink. But I was all, 'hells to that bitches it's the end of the world!'
So the rest of our evening included following a flashing light ( I swear we would have been the first people to die if that had been the beginning of the end. Who walks towards the end?!?!? ) The light turned out to be an old couple taking photos of the cathedral.
Then we heard a giggle. Which creeped us out and we decided to walk away from that one.
There was a lot of peeing in bushes actually, but I wasn't a part of that... I used the men's toilet instead, which got a lot of jeers from the group of people nearby.
I flicked a bottle lid into my face when trying to get the top off....
Basically neither of us actually had a bottle opener, so we were using the straight edge of a fence... the first one that I did the lid came of well easy, and I felt like a boss. The second one... Well, the lid flew off after I got angry at it and hit me just above my eye. Good thing I wear glasses.
We were waiting on someone else to arrive at this point. I was getting a little chilly as well.
But then there was a big schmaffle (new word!!) against the fence and I spring up all panicked and grab Smurfette's arm (only so she knew I hadn't run off and abandoned her, obviously....) and we stand around like ahghashgdwskjnf what's going on?!
And two people emerge from the shadows. One was a really short person ( presumed to be a twelve year old twit) with some average looking guy. Apparently one of them tripped and fell into the fence. Which is hilarious. They sat in the park for a bit. When they left the  little one shouting something about wanting to lick our bum farts. My town is just delightful....
Yeah, so then Smurfette's friend turns up and I've not met her before. She seemed nice. She got us more alcohol. And we all did a very good job of appearing sober and normal in front of two patrolling policey people.
Hmm... what else happened..
After the other girl left us we went off to finish our drinks, and there were a lot of pissed people about, mainly because it was end of the world Friday - everyone wants to go out drunk. Obviously.
Yeah, Smurfette kept stopping drunk people to talk to them, and a man who was clearly almost at passing out stage ended up giving her money to get home! like he just dipped his hand in his pocket and gave it all to her. Which was fun and now I know how to get money when I'm short (I am kidding don't worry)
So yeah was a great evening <3

AND, now today, I am just THE happiest, because my brother sent me back a card and I didn't quite know what to do when I found it in the post and after my sister got off the phone I started crying which was really weird. I don't think I've cried tears of happiness before.
I'm off to do some wrapping. I am so happy.

Just in case guys... just in case.

Just in case we all die tomorrow

I sometimes don't shower for two or more days when I am not going out anywhere so that when I do next shower I can shave off an impressive 'beard'
I'm scared of growing toe hairs
I shave my arms because I'm paranoid someone will one day mention that I have hairy arms, and for some reason that freaks me out
I'm really lazy and hardly ever pluck my eyebrows.... the only thing I ever personally do is make sure I'm not growing a mono brow - my sister waxes the rest whenever I see her
I spend more money on my favourite people at Christmas; before now I have spent less than a pound on the person I probably should have spent the most on, according to society
I bite my first two fingernails and thumbnails but have stopped biting my ring  finger and little fingers - leaving me with oddly distributed nails
I really don't like eating with people
I wont pee if other people are nearby
I will quite happily sometimes wear the same outfit three days in a row - provided I wont see the same people on those days.
I can lie like a little bitch when there is something I really do not want to do
There are only about five people in my life that I cannot lie to at all.
No matter how badly I need a product, if it involves talking to a member of staff to get it, I will go without. (This is actually a pretty good system because it meas that my crippling social anxiety saves me money)
I still hold grudges against people that never paid me back money more than two years ago... the money borrowed being as little as 50p
I forget that I am mad at people very easily, but a few weeks later I will remember and rip their heads off about it.
I get very bored of being mad at people though
When walking down a street if I see a friend before they see me, no matter how close I am to them, I will pretend like I haven't seen them until they notice me.
Secretly hoping we all die
I actually love to freak people out with my hair.
If I could get away with it I would never wear clothes.... they're so boring...
I really hate people who are late ALL the time.
And:
Today, I shamelessly licked not one, but two bowls of brownie mixture at my sister's. I then went home for a two hour nap.

If we all die today, I owe you all £100 each(:




....* by beard I mean pubes.

A lesson in christmas

It's that time of year.
You know, it's much like the year's period; you get all excited and happy just before, then you realise that you were excited for a reason, and that the reason is a bit shit. Because now there are things that you have to remember to be doing all the time, and you can't really go out anywhere nice, because things are always in the way, but you do get to wear some nice comfy clothes. And it's very stressful. And you have to buy things.
So Christmas is just one big old period.

I fucking love wrapping presents though - unfortunately, I have specific wrapping rules that I must follow. And yes, I am about to illustrate them.
First, no buying of presents is allowed before at least December, except in special circumstances, i.e, when I find something awesome that I want someone to have, but is too expensive for me to just rock up with it at theirs randomly.
Second. Try to do all present shopping on one day. This way I am completely aware of the money I am spending. Try to stay away from internet shopping. Always ends badly.
Third, chocolate presents must be bought after all other presents, to minimise temptation.
Four. Physically wrapping the presents cannot begin until ALL presents have been bought and are physically in the xmas present hideyhole.
Fifth. Wrapping paper must already be bought, as must tape, and scissors must have a known whereabouts. Ribbon must be used on all presents, and bows are one to a  person. NOT one to a present. Must have these prior to wrapping. Same for tags.
Six, the wrapping paper must be the same. No presents are to be wrapped in different paper. This means ensuring that enough paper is bought to begin with. Because chances are if there isn't, I will NEVER find the exact same paper again. This goes for bows and ribbon too.
Seven, if this does happen, then the new paper, ribbon and bows must co-ordinate with the old.
Eighth. Wrapping must be done on one afternoon.
Nine;  boxes are to be wrapped first.
Tenth and most important rule - presents must look neat and cute; there is to be no re-wrapping of a present, nor the loss of tags.They must all look perfect, otherwise NO-ONE gets their presents. That is all.

Laptop, I love you

So from my last post you can tell that I've had a shitty couple of days.
Can't really be bothered to explain what the last post was about. Maybe it's sorted out now. Maybe living here won't turn out crap.I'm going to have to get my options open though, because I know that I can't go back to having nowhere to live.
Speaking of options, I've been thinking about my university and college plans, and I am really beginning to see how unrealistic they are. I mean, really, I don't think I'm going to be able to do particularly well in my Alevels this year; I just don't think that being in that kind of environment is going to help me learn anything. I know that I'm clever. But just not in that way. Not in the way where I sit down and write in an exam.
I fucking love college though; I'm around people my own age, right now in my life that's what I need because seriously lacking in the friend area at the moment because of the last year and not having friends because of him; not maintaining old friendships because of him. I think I need to stick with college to, well, basically compose myself, ready myself to face the world again. It's not so much about the work.
I think I know that I want to go to university, but I think more for the same reasons.
So maybe it's wrong to go to uni. For a start I really don't think I can work or learn in that way.
This really isn't what I wanted to write a post about at all.
I was going to talk about how I had more bike lessons today. Though that isn't all that interesting either.
What I really want to write about I can't because I know who reads my blog, and it's basically just about them, and it's pretty damn wrong of me to do the thing I'm doing and gosh it hurts, but maybe it can work. Kind of hoping.
I really wish none of you had made me think about all of that stuff that I am doing at the moment that was going just fine, because now it really isn't, is it. Because I had to stop and think and therefore mess it up. Yaay; once again I followed other people's advice instead of my own.
Woo.


Well, anyway, I realised today that I substitute my laptop for a boyfriend - It keeps me warm at night, because I fall asleep with it in my arms, makes me laugh (oh LOLcats you are hilarious), listens to me when I speak (write this) and it's face (screen) lights up when I come home.

Much better than a boyfriend.... right?

Probably not.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find somewhere to live where I'm not told I'm crap all the time.

Five tips(:

I didn't mention yesterday that I made a phone call, on my own, without preparation.
I never do that. I get too freaked. I never answer the phone unless I know who is on the other end either.
Anyone who knows me knows about that.
Anyway, I had a good day - shopping in Basingstoke.
Got some xmas presents. And bought myself some stuff.
Because let's be honest, I'm a selfish little bitch.
And it's xmas so I can tell myself that it is okay.
But I don't feel like talking about my day. Mostly because Tesco have let me down and have NO CHOCOLATE ORANGES IN STOCK.
Which has clearly really upset me.
So I'll give you some interesting and useful tips
First
Bruises - If you have a bruise and you want it to go away quicker, soak some cotton wool in white vinegar and hold it against the bruise for about an hour. It will help bring down the colouring, and will heal it faster. Trust me, this one really works
Second, got smelly feet or fungus-y toes? Soak them in Listerine. It's all antiseptic-y and will help make your feet healthier.And it smells quite strongly. Similarly it can be used to help with blisters - which is what I tend to use it for because I always have blisters on my feet.  Because I never buy shoes that actually fit because I don't like people knowing just how small my feet are.
Third. Honey. Usually, I leave my spots because I'm a lazy fuck, and I pick at them during the day because I'm disgusting. But when I feel like I need to make an effort to get rid of them, I stick honey on them overnight. For a start it smells lovely. For another it kills bacteria and keeps it sterile. Be sure to stick a plaster over the honey covered area though - I learnt this the hard way and woke up the first time with honey all over my sheets and hair. It wasn't fun.
Four - I had to use this one yesterday. I got a small shard of glass - much like a splinter - stuck in my hand. It is pain free (and kind of fun) to cover the area with a runny glue and when it is dry, pull it off, and the splinter will come out too because it gets stuck to the glue. Don't use a cheap glue though, and make sure you clean it afterwards otherwise the glue will get inside you...
And fifth, when I have a sore throat, I drink lemon juice mixed with honey. It tastes really nice (I really like lemon though so there may be differences in opinion) and it really does help with a sore throat. It is supposed to boost your immune system or some shit as well.
I thought these might be some helpful tips, especially seeing as it is colder out, which tends to increase blisters, smelly feet, spots, cold and  well, i guess if you spend more time inside you are going to be moving wooden things in your house and getting splinters, or maybe headbutting mirrors like me. Which will mean you have bruises as well(:

Suck it up.

I felt very off this morning.
Not sick, not depressed.
Just like I knew that if I went out, I would be swallowed up by the world and wouldn't be spat out for while. So I took the day.
Yeah yeah, I shouldn't have done.
I didn't have anything important today anyway. Nothing I can't catch up on easily. Sort of.

Maybe it was because I got up on the wrong side of the bed... which is completely possible because I spent Sunday moving my room around here, and tidying it up a bit. I don't see an alternative to staying here. I guess what's going to happen is I suck it up and get on with it. Isn't that what I always end up doing?
So I added some 'me' to my room. The wallpaper is a bit... gaudy? Um, I dunno, It's very expensive - It's a light blue with a golden swirly leafy pattern thing on it. It isn't very me. I put some material over the window, so now you can't see into my room, and that corner looks awes.
Yesterday's post mentions breaking a mirror on my head - that was because I was being an arse and balancing it in that corner. After I cleared up all the small dangerous pieces (cutting myself twice in the process) I strategically places the larger pieces on the window sill, and it actually creates a great effect.
And now you know what I need as an xmas present...
I spent today relaxing. I dyed some of my hair, I cut another, and washed them all. Been waiting for the right moment to get around to doing that.
Did I mention on friday that I had a health and social mock exam?
Well, I did. Don't think I did very well. Mostly because my wrist was hurting the whole time. (I don't think I've mentioned before that I have an issue with my wrist at the moment. Really fucking hurts.) So when I handed it in I mentioned that my writing was slightly illegible at the moment. I got sent up to skills development and I'm going to have to have a laptop in my exams.
Was a bit pissed off with that. Not once have I ever had to have support with my academic side. Gotta just suck that up as well though. The bright side is that I am a million times faster at typing than I am at writing, and it's a million times easier.
I still feel funny.
I wonder if I'm losing my happy.
I guess if I have to ask, then the answer is yes.
That kind of sucks.

My head

Today,  I was startled and hit my head against a door. I fell over in my room and slammed my head against my wall, and I knocked over my big ass mirror and shattered it with my head.
Today, was not a good day for my head.

CBT plus a squirrel explanation

I have had just the best morning.

Basically, everyone knows that I have decided that I want a motorbike. Because they are fucking awesome.

So before you can have one, you must do a CBT. Which stands for compulsory basic training. Basically, you go down to wherever it is that you are doing this, and there are about six parts to the day.

First is talking about protective clothing, second is checking you can read the number plate, then you start learning about the controls of the bike and start it up and riding it slowly on a straight and stuff. After you've done a whole bunch of stuff on the bike you got part D where they prep you for the last part, checking you know your highway code and that you'll be safe on the road. The last bit is actually on the road, you gotta be out there for at least two hours riding around and not making mistakes otherwise you have to go back and do it again.

Lots of people don't get up to doing the part D. 

And after your CBT you can ride a bike and shit. You can take a full license. Which is made up of a theory test, a practical module one and module two.

So today I  went along to get a CBT and I was panicky because well, it's me; what the fuck do you expect?

I was a bit of a twat and dropped the bike at one point at the beginning because I panicked trying to go around a corner and I fell and the bike went on top of me and crushed my leg/foot.

Which kinda hurt. 

But I got back on, and did some easier stuff just to make sure I didn't get a complex over getting back on it. Then I went off for a well deserved fag and banana.
I improved so much since that though, and I'll be going back soon as I can to do some more lessons until I feel comfortable with going on a road.

Roads are fucking scary.

The instructors there today were absolutely lovely. I would totally recommend them. 

I just had a really fucking good time.

Which is what is better about bikes than cars -- lots of people do not enjoy driving. They don't like their lessons, and driving a car is boring. Bikes are just, they're fun okay.

Now I'm going to go and eat some terry's chocolate orange because they are dirt cheap at tesco today, and I've already done my healthy part of the day.

OH, and as a side note, a lot of you are confused about my last post - I know. 

It isn't supposed to be a proper story of any sort. 

Basically what happened was my friend was upset that I mentioned her in an earlier post here, about babysitting. She wasn't the main person that that was meant for, but she was well offended by this sentence that I wrote:

'I didn't fuck up, and to all of you who said that I would, or that you wouldn't trust me to look after your kids when you have some;;; Afuck Ayouu'

So I offered (jokingly) to write a post all about her to make up for it. And there was a conversation that day where someone called her a red squirrel. I don't remember the context. 

Anyway, I got home and didn't feel like working. Wanted to write but didn't, so I wrote that. It is the story of our friendship.

Fuck off it was fun.

And this is the third time you have featured in my blog now red squirrel. That's your code name now.

The red squirrel

I first saw the red squirrel one warm spring afternoon. She was all caged up with her friend in one weird room, where the Tamer wore full black and held a red ball of horror. He would stare at you through an evil muddy pool of eyes until you backed down, and the rest of the animals squawked and flew around the room. I left that day not knowing how to return. The red squirrel didn't say anything to me. But she was squibbling to her friend; 'She was too cool. She'll never come back'.

I did though. The late summer and nothing much was happening. I was thrown into that block of cages, pushed from one to another, and eventually I found myself in the same one as her. We didn't speak. Almost everyday we found ourselves within the same proximity. Eventually we ended up talking. Slowly at first. Then I shared my nuts, and then we found ourselves together more and more in the free times. There was a small group, and when we were let out every now and then, we soon found ourselves to be meeting up by choice. She was funny, nice; her fringe never left her face. 

Sometimes we 'borrowed' other peoples nuts and things without ever giving them back like we were supposed to.

We went to a gathering together; things got funny. There was crazy stuff going on. human rubbish on fire. Our perception was off from the refreshments. We ended up in a white room, where the humans were mean and we had to leave. We had to wait to be picked up, and by then the effect of the evening dawned on us. I'd rescued her from that crazy Tamer, but I hadn't rescued her from the other things in life. 

It was around this time that the black widow spider started attacking me again, and I couldn't salvage the happy times. She drifted and I fell. 

After some time we came back. It was gradual but she missed the nuts I shared with her. The stress of the tests of being able to get out of the cages soon got to us though.

We both passed well enough. There was a celebration afterwards.

We didn't see each other after this. The idea of freedom got to us, and we scrabbled to get out in our own way.

I was left alone for more than a year, but the little red squirrel went on with her funny little hats, and only recently did we re-meet. I bought her lunch and she shared her Doritos. I didn't realise I could miss a friend as much as I had done.

There you go. A whole post for you.

Tesco-Ice cream-Hair dye

I'm still holding onto that happy feeling.
I don't want to go back and lose it.
I took the day off college today to do some stuff with my sister.
Included activities such aaaaas:
Boring morning stuuff
Tescos
FOOD
Buying lots of chocolate oranges for xmas stuff because they are dirty cheap now
Bought Ben and Jerry's ice cream for LESS THAN A POUND (How? How is that possible I hear you ask, basically, it was half price in Tesco today, and I had a £1.50 voucher off for it. So I abused it and it is going to taste so good when I eat it in a minute - atm it's too hard so I'm warming it up between my legs... (; )
We watched stepbrothers - because it is hilarious.
Nails done
Eyebrows fixed
Little bit of big bang theory and basically just a nice day overall

Unfortunately, my other sister didn't meet us ( the one with the baby, that I babysat last week because I'm awesome.) but I figure that it's okay because she went to a pantomime instead and I hear that was fuuuuun.
I dyed my hair this morning slash last night
It's pretty damn awesome.
Unfortunately, I had to get the dye off of my mum yesterday, which included me having to go to her house (which meant i could pick up my thermals though) and I had to go to Tesco with her (which is never fun - it's only fun with my sisters because they are fun.) and I had to help her dye her hair (which I 'accidentally' fucked up) and she had a go at me for smoking.
However, she didn't muck up my mood at all, because, hey, I'm still standing.
Okay, my ice cream is soft now so fuck off and let me eat it(:

Lovely things

You know what's awesome?
When your day starts out great. It is a lovely day so far for me.
I'm writing this now before something messes it up, so that when I get home, maybe I'll re read this post myself, and I'll get this lovely feeling back.
I can actually pinpoint the precise last moment that I felt like this, and it is really sad for me to realise that it was more than a year ago. Almost two. It was before I finished secondary school. I remember that it was any other lunchtime for everyone else, but for me, I had had another shit morning because of my mum, and had had a crappy evening because of my brother. But I was sat there that lunchtime, in the sun, and we were laughing. It was before the exam stress had set in, and I was still fifteen. I felt warm and happy, and I wish I hadn't lost that feeling in the midst of my bad experiences.
And now I realise I lost it, because I lost my friends. Because of my hectic home life. Since that day, things deteriorated too much for me to be able to keep up a happy pretense, and my friends were left at the bottom of my thoughts. We broke up for the summer and all went our separate ways. I went off to a different college to most of them, and never managed to keep in touch much. I closed up and began the roughest year of my life.
At the beginning of this college year I didn't have very many people left at all. in fact, I think I only had my family and a couple of friends who stuck by me even though I treated them like nothing, because I felt like nothing. And now, I just feel like I have everything. I have the most amazing people in my life, and I wouldn't be here if it hadn't been for some of them. I owe them my life for many reasons.
I came about this realisation whilst doing some coursework, because I suddenly realised that I was smiling, and that it was because I am happy. Lots of stuff has happened to me, but I wouldn't be here if it hadn't happened, and I am a hell of a lot stronger for it, and yeah, I have done things I am not proud of because of that overpowering feeling of worthlessness. But there isn't anything I cannot overcome anymore. I think I have already overcome more stuff than most other people ever have to. I can either keep living in my past, or I can learn from it and do some great things. And that's the thing, I've heard people say that to me so many times, but only now, today, does it actually feel I really have that choice; to let go.
A giant weight of stuff has been lifted now.
I am free.

Unfortunately, the weight hasn't literally left my shoulders; my bag is fucking heavy today because I brought my laptop to college with me to do work that I haven't done now because I decided to write this instead. It's nice and sunny though.

Hate the blog - Love the tree

I fucking hate my kind of blog. Not my particular blog; mine is so awesome it shits flies every time you visit my page (see what I did there? because of my background... no? fine *sadface* bollocks to it. I'm fucking hilarious. I make me laugh all the time. Seriously, you should have seen me today. I was OFF THE WALLS.)

But yeah, after reading around some other people's blogs, I have found that some people just don't have my awesome natural talent for writing. Their blogs are just.... boring. And then I decided to go and read my own blog to see how mine compared... And I remembered why I never read over what I write down in this, what I like to call, creating space. Writing is creative.

Because I found that I really bloody hate everything I write. 

But I decided that I really am too awesome to be boring, and that I must hate everything I personally write because I... hate my own life? Yeah, let's use that reason.

Yeah no, I really don't like reading over what I have written (that being the reason for any and all mistakes I have made in posts) because I end up thinking over and over what I have written and believeing that it just isn't good enough.

And then I remembered that this blog isn't for you. Not really.

( by you, I totally mean YOU who called it boring. Yeah I know about that twinklepie; I tend to know about it when people talk about me behind my back.)

As a side note here, I fucking love my insults.

Yeah, this blog is for me. I like writing, and I like(d) having someone(thing) to tell my day about to, because whilst in my flat I totally felt alone most of the time, and being able to write and post it later on here made me feel a bit better. And now I've moved it still helps because I still have no idea if I can hack it here.

I am so confused about living here. Lots of things aren't what I thought they were going to be, and a LOT of the time I wish I still had my privacy and space.

I need my space from the world.

I'm not used to people being around me all the time, and I don't know how much I like it.

It is having strange effects on my time spent at college, and half the time I feel like I'm screaming inside. I have also noticed bad habits making a re-entrance into my life which I managed to rid myself of more than a year ago, and it is weird to think that I got through one of the worst years of my life (there have been many, but this last year, just, wow.) yeah, I got through the worst year without them, but something that was supposed to be a good thing has bring them flooding back to me.

But I feel like I should end this post on a smiley kind of note because it isn't as though I feel sad at the moment, I just feel kind of.. um, stuck I guess. Like held in. Caged up.

So the happy note you ask?

I managed to babysit my almost-eight-month-old niece for hours yesterday and nothing bad happened at all. I totally rocked that joint. And when my sister returned, I decorated her Christmas tree with the decorations she made and I painted else when. Here is a photo.

I am so fucking cool.

Random shiiiiiiiiiittee

So hey, you're back looking at my blog again.

How was your day beautiful?

....I don't give a fuck about your day this is my blog about me. And how the hell do I know if you're beautiful or not? Get a hair cut loser.

I went to my sister's this morning, babysat my seven month old niece, was a practice for the really babysitting tomorrow. I didn't fuck up, and to all of you who said that I would, or that you wouldn't trust me to look after your kids when you have some;;; Afuck Ayouu.

Yeah, so then I went off into town with my other sister, we bought bras (well she did. I just stood around like a creepy lesbian or some shit) and then I went and bought BOOTS for when I take my TEST next week, for when I get my BIKE. Fuck yeah.

Went up to tesco, scared my friend who works in a shop up there and practically heart attacked her. I completely forgot that she hadn't seen my hair before. Was fucking hilarious. I almost pissed myself. In tesco I bought... nothing interesting for myself, just baby stuff for my sister. Observed a fun advent calendar related argument between my other sister and her boyfriend. They are fucking hilarious.

Then of course I go home (Yeah, I fucking call it home now BITCHES) and I remember that my room still hasn't been unpacked properly yet, so I thought, I should really get to sorting through all of my crap, and proceeded to sit down and watch Russell Howard's good news.

You know what the most hilarious thing in the world is? When you make yourself laugh. I do it ALL the time.  I sit and I think and then I just, I find myself so funny. And our society is so against being happy, I think, and it's just so sad because it means people look at me like I'm crazy when I burst out in happy laughter.

Which of course makes everything ten times funnier.

Anyway, yeah, did I mention I bought my fucking bike boots? I'm well excited. Can't wait until I have taken all my tests and have my bike so I can get going places. Fucking hate my town. It's so mundane and full of the same wankers as ever. 

On the bright side, I just found some tissues in my room that are black with skulls on them that my sister (the cool one) gave to me like four years ago that I never used because they are too awesome. Now I can waltz around with them and not use them. WOO.

It's so sad that this is my Saturday night :L

Depressing or motivating?

I would like to know how come it is always me that gets in these stupid situations.
I have been thinking about it all day.
I think I probably need to get out of here. Because I'm going to stay with my gut this time - I've made this mistake more than twice now, I'm not doing it again.
But I've been thinking about it all day and I just can't see any options open to me.
Then the perfect idea came to me as I was walking home. And then now, I am scared because I know now, that that will never be perfect for everyone else in my life. And I am worried that I have started up that thought process again.
Fucking hell.
I can't really go back to where I used to live, because you have to be homeless or about to be made homeless. You can't go if you make yourself homeless. So my only option is to lodge with someone else. But I don't know anyone who needs one. My housing benefit doesn't give me enough money to rent myself a flat.
If you know of anyone who needs a housemate or a lodger or something, please comment or get in touch with me somehow.
I am of course going to have to try and stay here. But I do think it will be better if I just leave here. I have to try. It's so damn hard.
Maybe if I change the way that I live here, it could work.
I think I'm trying to convince myself again though. And that is just worse.
Christ, I really wish that none of this had ever happened to me.I know that is terrible thinking though. If I think like that then I won't ever get out of this lifelong rut I have been stuck in.
Oh my god, guys, just seriously, don't take whatever you have right now for granted. You never know how it will be taken from you.
And try and stay happy. If I can still manage to smile my way through most of each day, then you know you can too. Because you are a lot stronger than you think you are, and I am living proof that you can be much stronger than you first thought you were. Don't give up.

Instincts.

ALWAYS listen to your gut.
Those instincts are always right. If you listen to other people, you will put yourself into stupid situations. Like me.
Don't let other people change your mind.
People change.
People are very different on the surface.
Their insides are often very ugly.
The smoother a person is the trickier and most unnatural they are.
Just don't be like me.



Promise?

Deep stuff..

It's weird how some thoughts will just creep up on you, and catch you unawares. Take my bus journey to college this morning; I was just minding my own, rocking out to some Halestorm (I fucking love Halestorm) when BAM! I am hit with thoughts about earlier this year and some stuff with my mum, and it all caught me off guard, I hadn't expected to think about that, I just wanted to rock man...
But yeah, I'm suddenly finding myself wondering if, when my mum dies, wondering if I will be as fake as she was earlier this year with me? Because I know for a fact that she couldn't really care, given the evidence she gave beforehand that lead me to be in that situation to begin with.
It is quite probable that, given my relationship with her, I will be exactly the same. Because she doesn't talk to me unless she wants something, or needs something, something physical or mental. Even when she does speak to me she waits until the last possible minutes to do so, or when she knows I'm at college or on the bus or trying to go to bed, just so she can moan about me not picking up the phone the next time she rings. I know that it is not even just me that she does this to. I'm not sure if she is just ignorant, or does it just to piss me off. I don't know which is wore either.
Anyway, I think it's totally weird the way our minds work - we are constantly thinking! And we often don't even realise it! But then when some exciting thought appears, we become conscious of our thoughts? We don't even get to stop thinking when we sleep - because our brains are always active even if we aren't - like our dreams and shit.
That kind of stuff gets kind of trippy when you think about it for too long.
But yeah, I went to Christian Union at college today. With a friend who is Christian. I would like to clear up now that I am not really religious, nor have I ever been. I don't have enough, um, trust? Will power? I basically just don't think I could ever put all of my trust or faith or whatever, into one thing. I'm basically your average, every day, boring old atheist.
But I do like the idea of religion, and I thought, well, why shouldn't I try and understand it a bit better? I often negate Christianity in my speech, why not go and see what it is that I am negating?
So I went. (I went on Monday as well, but I am talking about today, so shut up and read.)
It was all about forgiveness, we read a small bit of the bible about a servant or something not paying his debts to someone, and they were going to be punished, but they begged and were let off, to find the money somehow and pay it back whenever. Then I think something similar happened with one of his own servants, and he punished them and didn't give them a chance. Then his debt-collector found out and punished him for being an unkind prick.
Something like that.
Basically, if you don't forgive people, you won't get forgiven by God.
So I took this in my atheist way, that I should forgive my mother, or else people won't forgive me when I do bad. (which is a lot of the time...)
But then I realised, not once has  my mum apologised to me, and really, it would be better for me to not forgive her, because then she sees it as her being able to do it again and again because it clearly, to her, doesn't seem like I find fault with it. So in other words, you all get one chance to not forgive me for something, because I don't forgive my mum.
This has been a lot more religiousy than I thought.


Also, unless you know me VERY well, you don't know what the hell I mean by earlier this year. make something up so that it makes sense to you because I gotta get back to coursework.


Here is something I drew for my art coursework at GCSE. I think it fits in fairly well here.

It represents the light and the dark in the world and shit.

Yeah, I forgot to mention - whilst doing work in the art room today, in the back of someone else's lesson, I knocked my easel, which nudged the table, which sent the cup flying through the air, which coated me in dirty paint water. The whole class turned around and I screamed 'SHIIIIIT' They stared at me for a minute, then they laughed, then they applauded.
One of those days...

Shit sauce

Argh. I'm only posting because I haven't in a few days, despite me actually writing posts. That's because things have been happening that I have wanted to write about, but can't let some people read. Because it may offend or they may not agree or simply because it was a very half arsed attempt at writing and I didn't deem it worthy of actually publishing.
So yeah.
Day off college yesterday - no not because I was depressed. I was doing exciting things that didn't quite work out the way I wanted. For instance was walking around town and out of nowhere a pigeon flew by and was sat on my head for only a second or two, but he definitely sat on my head before flying on by. I swear it. The people around me at the time were astonished as I was. I felt like it should have been filmed. Personally think I could have made a fortune and then I would have moneys and I could buy a hat.
And then I would be able to walk around  town and all the birds would fly by and sit along my hat.
I think we all missed out on a great opportunity here.
Anyway, today was mostly spent doing hours of art coursework - mainly my final piece which has to be finished by first period Friday and will not be done by then. But oh well, I think I can probably twist his arm and get the weekend to finish it off.
I have a psychology mock exam to do this weekend (my weekend is looking like great fun isn't it)
Today I got to ride pillion on my friend's motorbike again - great practice for when I do my cbt (which I have booked - but will not be saying when it is, just in case certain individuals find out and turn up to put me off and ruin it)
Have you ever been on a motorbike?
Nothing better to put you in a good mood. Or to freeze you up because you were doing at least a hundred at the end of November in the dark times along straight roads. I am not entirely sure if I still have toes.
I can't wait to get my own; I will clearly be a lot happier because as I just said; there is nothing better to put you in a good mood.
So I'm all happy-dappy, therefore not doing the work that I need to do, and not going to sleep because I don't want to wake up in the morning and  have gone back to moody teenager mode. Because that is what is happening. Of course, that means I will not wake up on time tomorrow, and that will put me in a bad mood - there is no winning!
Shit sauce I am going to bed!

Catch up

Haven't done a post since Saturday. Have felt my overall mood improve, however right now I am pretty pissed off. Couldn't tell you why. I couldn't care less why. I just am. I don't know why.
However, I am very excited for tomorrow, but I shall discuss that tomorrow - provided it goes well. If I don't mention it then it means I have made a massive fail. I don't want everyone knowing when I fail. HA.
ANYWAY. I have now officially moved out of my flat - I don't feel sad about it - mainly because, actually, I still have the keys. I shouldn't do but well, was too lazy to give them back on Sunday and well, yeah. I'm lazy. So basically it still feels like I live there, and could just turn up there and sleep simply because I still have keys.
So on Sunday morning I woke up at five in the morning because I threw my laptop across the room. The thump woke me. I was well panicked because it BSOD'd me, and came up with lots of writing. Being me I decided that the technical side was too much for me, so I turned it off and back on again. To my surprise I caused it to work better than before. Crazy. My sleep self is a GOD.
However, my dick-ish awake self totally messed up this miracle later in the day - by dropping it three more times. The first of which caused it to slow back down to loser pace again, the second was my friend's fault because he accidentally knocked it. And then I fell on it later. It isn't dead yet though.
Was a strange experience.

Moving out of my flat was difficult because I have just a lot of stuff, so my new room is just kind of full of stuff that I don't know what to do with. There are other things that  I would like to write about on here (Kind of the reason I haven't posted in a couple days) but I can't because I don't want to be rude. I have (letting you know how sad I am here) written stuff down in posts, I just haven't published them. This blog is very much still just for me to be honest. Some things just can't be let loose into the public though. Don't know what you crazies would do with it.

Here is a cat

I will post tomorrow. Probably with a very short excited post, or with a very long post full of fancy swears! To Sleepy Town I go!!!!!

Relaaaaxed

Trying to go for a bit of a mellow weekend. I don't have much planned - I have to move all of my stuff out of my flat and unpack though.
Feeling very relaxed and chilled out - like nothing much can affect me at the moment. I guess that's a good thing.
I spent a couple hours with my sister this morning - colouring in a mug for her, awesomely I must add. She left me alone with my baby niece to go see someone for a bit, and that was fun(:
I am absolutely terrible with kids, but I think it's kind of influenced by having people watch me and judge me of whatever. But yeah, it was great because she is seven months old now and it's just so easy to make her laugh and smile and happy. She loves trying to stand up. most of the time we were making funny faces at each other and chatting whilst she stood up by holding onto my thumbs to steady herself - and me being terrified she would fall over and hurt herself!!
After I left them i went off to get a hair cut - now my hair looks longer than before - weird huh?
I don't really give much thought to my hair anymore - since my amazing hairdresser went off and left me (sad face) I haven't done anything with it at all. Just kind of left it to do its own thing. Haven't dyed it since the beginning of summer, and have just kind of watched as it got longer. Now it looks alright (except for the colour which I may sort out some point soon - well, definitely before xmas) and  I don't mind wearing it out if I'm not going anywhere special.
This afternoon has a loose plan about it - gonna get on with some of my art coursework type stuff (not sure if it is actually coursework but I'm going to call it that because I'm pretty sure everything I am doing in art will be marked) then going to my flat (possibly with a friend if they aren't too loser to come with) gonna finish up packing I think - take all of my stuff off the walls): And just generally say goodbye to it.
It has been my first stable place to leave and I will miss it - despite most of my time there being rubbish. (see my first post)
These last couple months with it have been the best.
I will miss it.

Mistakes

I don't know who to talk to about some things.
My family (okay, my sisters. It isn't much of a family at all, but my sisters, yeah.) are okay, but there are some things that you just can't, you know.
The people I'm moving in with are now too close for me to get outside opinions.
My friends would be the obvious choice. And often they are who I go to just out of habit and need. But, despite most of them being older than me, because I have a late birthday, they are all still so young. None of them have had to grow up yet really. So all these things that are happening that I am worried about, I'm kind of lost with.
This blog is my last place.
Although the only people who read it are in the categories above, this thing is for me.

I can't help but feel I've made another mistake.
I move out of my flat this weekend. I'm giving up my independence again. I have no idea when I'm going to get that back. I feel like I am losing a piece of me - one that is actually kind of important. Ever since I made the decision I have found reason after reason as to why it is a bad idea. It's too late to turn back.
This has actually been one of my biggest decisions to make, more so than when I moved out of my mum's.
Because when I did that, I'd already been gone for years really. Constantly thrown out like the chocolate wrappers from what she scoffs, and left to stumble around in the night, rarely mentioning because it was 'just a misunderstanding' staying at friends when things were really bad, or, if I had one at the time, a boyfriend's as often as possible, and going back there as little as humanly possible just to get away.
I don't think I really even noticed when I actually ended up moving out. I don't think my mum did either. Except for when she stopped receiving as much money to waste on things.
I don't know.
I can just see this blowing up in my face. I think it may already have done.
Just have to keep remembering that this won't seem bad in the future, because by then it will have sorted itself out.
I'm very worried.

Awesome things about me

QUICK ten facts about me/reasons why I am bloody awesome and you should talk to me!!

Let's GO!

ONEE
I have absolutely awesome hair that I constantly change and if we go to college together, and I didn't know you beforehand, then you have never seen my real hair!! Shock horror! Though whilst I stayed late at college last night I had my real hair out. Felt bad ass. So that is something to talk to me about at ANY time.

TWO
I can wiggle my tongue like a belly dancer.

3
I have a onesie. Aaaaand not just one of the million boring ones you can find at Primark, mine has the cat in the hat on it. So of course it is awesome and therefore makes me awesome(:

FOUR
I hardly ever really feel like it, but when I do I can do the most amazing makeups on my face. I would love to borrow your face to shove awesome makeup on one day, whoever you are. Yeah, I don't care if you are male, I've done that before, and they loved it as well. Give me your face.

5
Apparently I don't seem like it, but I actually love hugging people and if I could do that as a profession then I would and I would be the best in that field.

6
I have a large collection of Dr Seuss books. Including the cat in the hat, the cat in the hat comes back and green eggs and ham. Are you seeing the cat in the hat trend?

SEVEN
I really hate even numbers. Except the number 2 and 72. Can't stand even numbers. Unless I am diving things up in which case odd numbers are the bane of my life.

8
I love buying things. I will buy things for other people simply because I love the feeling of exchanging money for awesome things. I am actually quite generous, despite me kind of hating spending money. But I think I just hate spending money on boring things, like toothpaste and food and toilet cleaner (which I can't actually legally do for another six months but still, principle) Even though buying those things makes me feeel even more adult.

NINEE!!
I will soon be able to take (and hopefully pass) my full bike licence so that I can be a madman and drive everywhere (freezingly) on a motorbike looking sexy hot! However, I will have to save up for ages before I will actually be able to afford the bike..

Aaaaand lastly
TEN!!
I do have a cat living at my mums house who will most definitely eat you if you still don't think I am awesome. He is big and fat and called Alan. slash Hitler, because he has a little mustache and I get the feeling that he doesn't like Jewish people. Though he bites everyone. Except me because I am SO loveable.



This was actually a challenge set to me by a friend who will remain unmentioned, because they couldn't think of ten reasons of why I am awesome. I'll shall have that person know that this list could have gone on forever. And that I am clearly awesome.

Guys, I totally went back to college.

So, today was eventful!
I woke up nice and late because I was nervous last night and couldn't sleep (kind of like tonight)
Everything was fine, was having a jolly old time, when bam! halfway through the second half of psychology I am hit with a giganormonous headache, followed by me feeling extraveryemely nauseous, causing me to leave the room and not return for more than a half hour, which, when i did come back, caused my entire class to look at me funny. I'm not sure what they think I was doing, but what actually happened was that I went to the toilets and sat down to try and stop my head from exploding out from within. which was followed with my head responding with a big, 'whuuuut?' and decided to make my arms go all funny (as in heavy achey and paaainful) and my neck all stiff. So I stood up and tried to make my arms feel normal again. Which involved me holding my head against a wall and throwing my arms around and just generally looking like a twat. Aaaas per usual!
At which point I feel reeeaaally dizzy and have to go sit back down again, and then, well, I guess I passed out a little bit.
Which was kind of weird to realise. At least no one saw; it's alright to tell the story but would have been well embarrassing if someone had come in at that point. Yeah.
So I stick around in the bathroom for a bit, trying everything I know to stop a headache without having to take a damn pill (for those of you who don't know, I got serious issues when it comes to trying to swallow damn pills) and eventually I realise that my arms feel a bit better, just a little weak, and that my head isn't going to explode, and maybe I won't be sick. So completely freaked by the whole thing, I got to the last eight minutes of psych, with the whole class staring at me.
I didn't bother to explain to the ones I sit with, because I wasn't (and still am not) sure what even happened.
So afterwards I think, well, I'll sit around, if I get worse I'll go home, if not I'll suck it up and go to English, at which point I bump into friends, and think, well, I'd rather be with friends if it happens again, so I spent the rest of the day with other people. I ended up not going to English because well, I was a little scared it would happen, and my headache was threatening to bubble over again. So I had a religious discussion.
which was cool.
So it was kind of weird. It was also my sister's birthday so after college I ended up going to hers to give her her present and hugs(:
It was also my half birthday. No-one gave me my half a cake. You all suck.

Bored!

So, yesterdays post was depressing as fuck huh?
Well, the things I said still ring true, but what is moping going to do? Not a lot I don't think. I felt like shit this morning so haven't gone back to college yet, however, best decision I ever made because it means I have spent the day revising and getting in the mood  for college tomorrow. I also got a chance to piss about with makeup, which always cheers me up and makes me feel pretty (LOL I know right) so now I am so in the mood for college and work and getting A levels... and I'm stuck at home doing not a lot because I can't get into college at this time of day. So insteaaad: hey guys (:

I'm totally mystified really about how my mood has switched about today. S'really weird.
However, I'm sure that when I am older and all of this is over and I feel kind of normal (sometimes I do actually feel normal by the way. I know this blog makes me seem half crazy - espesh that post about psychopathy) but I think I'm about as normal as normal should be. I'm just 'quirky'. I have actually been described as that before.
So, let's discuss yesterday!!
I ended up going to Boscombe. Because Boscombe has primark, and my sister invited me. I have a problem regarding primark. I just can't resist its lure. It is very much like when you see a hot guy or girl, and then you maybe make sure that you're in the same room as them as often as you can. And maybe when you are at home and you can't sleep because you're thinking about them, you go on their facebook and drool over their photo's.
Maybe not that last part. That would be weird! Um, yeah. So I love primark. I went there and searched high and low for a bra in my size. Finally found one on the top rack, had to get my sister's boyfriend to get it down. Slightly embarrassing. Of course, it ends up not fitting because, well, things are never the exact same sizes from shop to shop, and primark is cheap. I also got some new undies, because apparently I can't go around wearing ones with holes in them. The reason they have holes in them are because they are so comfy I wear them a lot. Now I have to go break new ones in.... *sigh*
However, I really hate spending money. Espesh at the moment when I am trying to save up so that I can take my m/bike tests. And then I'll be saving up for a bike. So um, guys, if you have any spare money, instead of giving it to a charity organisation, give it to me. I'm kind of like charity. Or split it between me and a registered charity, that's cool too. Or you know, it's christmas soon (well, I'm going by the adverts that I see everywhere, and they've been up for a month now so I'm guessing we're close-ish now.) so yeah, guys, wanna give me a christmas present? A bike. Or the accessories that goes with. Or gift vouchers for food, that way when I buy food I'm saving money! Yaaaaaay!

Happy

Sometimes, like now, I wonder if I skipped out on learning how to be happy.

What the hell is wrong with me?

All logic dictates that now, though things have been shit, I should be absolutely, splendiferously happy because it's over now.

Or should be.

Or seems to be.

Or whatever.

I can't help but expect this to go wrong too.

Nothing has ever gone right for me and stayed right.Perhaps, andto be honest this seems very logical to me, I am not supposed to be happy. I would hate for it to be, but maybe my whole purpose is to be that person that everyone looks to, to feel better about themselves. Because I haven't had a good time and I don't know when I will, or how.

Maybe it already has but I missed it. Or maybe this really is it. 

I'm kind of tired of acting like everything good that happens is good and going to stay good, because there is always bad that comes in and overtakes it and swallows me up and leaves me feeling this way. I don't know if I should bother trying to keep this new happy thing, because if it's only going to go wrong anyway, what is the point?

And I thought I was feeling better this week.

I want to start over.

Ducks, glasses and puppy dog arses.

Totally forgotten what I was going to write about today.
Well. Until I remember, here is a picture of a duck

Okay, cool, I still have absolutely no idea, but when browsing ducks on the internet I found this. This is the DUCK/RABBIT in real fucking life guys. Turn your head and look!!!!!!
Well, today I went for a walk with my older sister, we saw ducks.
I also went into Tesco's and found rubber ducks. My sister refused to buy them for my niece. For good reason though; because she already has ones that light up. Yeah.
Okay, so today I went to my flat, was hoping to meet my flatmate but she was away this weekend. At this rate, I either won't ever get to meet her, or I will meet her the day I move out.Which is a week tomorrow. Yaaaay.
Well, I'll just use this time to tell you guys that you should promote my blog because I don't really like the embarrassment of having you all mention parts of it to me when I see you in person. It's kind of embarrassing to find out who reads it. What I want is to have people in the kind of situations I have been in, to read my blog. Because that would be cool. Yeah.
Have no idea what I originally planned to talk about here. Sorry. When I remember I will write a whole blog post for it.
Now though, I'll tell you that I wear glasses. I am short sighted. When I take my glasses off I can't see very much at all. I'm not fucking blind though. I can still tell you how many finger you are holding up. But if you are the other side of a large room I can't. My glasses came from specsavers. I've never before used specsavers for my glasses, but it was a nice easy experience but the staff were cunts. The frames were picked out by the arse ex, who features in a few of my recent posts, and I never really liked them. They are a reddish colour, with a real nice blue inside, and there is a white flowery Venetian style kind of pattern at the sides.
They're a bit wank.

Also, here's that duck on it's side so you didn't have to twist your head earlier. Because I'm nice like that.

Serious stuff guys...

Okay so today was fucking fabulous
Nothing good happened, and nothing bad happened.
Makes it a good day on my account because a) nothing bad fucking happened, and b) nothing good happened to spoil another day, because on another day, the good thing will fuck up and turn into a bad thing
So yay for today!
I painted some of my second oldest sister's xmas decorations -- the trees weren't too bad, the angels were a bit of a fail, and the snowmen. Well fucking hell I AM AMAZING.
I got my leather jacket.
Not as good as I thought it was going to be; but hey was a tenner from ebay and it will fit nicer when I've lost a bit more weight.
What else...
I took a disgusting photo of myself... for my PROVISH! Which I also posted off today. When that turns back up I can take my CBT. Then my full license. Yaaay.
....I fell down the stairs today.
I also poked myself in the eye.
Neither were as fun as they sound.

OH, I have also been thinking recently (Not just about the stuff that is in previous posts, but about this, stuff that is written in the next part of this post.)
Yes, I have been thinking about how lucky I am.
And no guys, I am not being sarcastic at all.
No, I mean it. I'm being serious. I am lucky.
Lots of people disagree with me when I tell them that I consider myself lucky.
They either think, state the fucking obvious turd, of course you are lucky, you have a flat and you live alone and you do as you fucking please all the time. (Bitch please I have always done what I wanted...) Or a new and current version of that - Of course you're lucky, you have landed yourself and very nice family to live with that are genuinely nice and are lovey people. That's true. I am lucky in that sense.
But other people will disagree when I say I am lucky, because they know that I had a shite time growing up, I had a shite teenage years regarding my mother, that I have been homeless, that I have been in a terrible relationship last year (see my last post for more information on that one. (Charming guy. Especially at the moment. Really. - Thaaaat was sarcasm there. He is a wanker) And that actually, living in the flat I have isn't as good as most people think - most people I know still live with their parents and I'm not going to lie I get very angry when they try to give me advice on the situation because how the fuck do they know?!
So yeah, when people disagree and say that I've had it rough, I agree with them. I've had it rough. But I'm the lucky one because so many people find themselves in the situations I've been in. And lots of them don't get lucky like I have. A lot of them didn't manage to get into college. For a lot of people, it's not just a night or two without a bed like it has been for me; for them, it's always a night without a bed.
A lot of the problem is that it just isn't advertised.
Yeah, it's alright putting up a website so that you can google what to do if you are a teenager and haven't got anywhere to go, but what if you don't have a house to go back to that night, you have no money, how are they supposed to know this stuff?
So yeah, I just wanted to share that that is what I have been thinking about recently. And how I can help to improve that, now, not just in the future after I have gone to uni. People aren't going to just survive and wait for me to start up my life before they need help.

It's now.

Oh, and I also broke a nail today.

Not a fucking psychopath..

Today, I didn't get out of bed again.
Is what I would be writing if I didn't have such an awesome sister.
My plan was to wallow in self pity in bed all day again, but instead I spent most of the day with my older sister; the one closest to my age.
We went around town for a bit; we bought a shakeaway each - from the absolute fab guy that works in there. I didn't end up taking my photo  for my provisional though, because my eyebrows were a mess and I couldn't live with that photo hanging around me for a while. So she and I went and bought chocolate, and went to hers and watched the inbetweeners movie, and she waxed my eyebrows. It is extremely difficult to think when I'm with her, because she is so funny. I also held the tiniest puppy in the world. So today wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.
I know that tomorrow I can't go to college still; I'm not ready to pretend and to smile all day, and I don't want to be the depressing girl that is hanging around. So I'll take the day; actually do some coursework, I'll take my photo, send off my application, and then I'll start sorting out my room at my flat; because I am moving out officially on the 25th.
Absolutely terrified.
I don't know if this is going to work still, I'm not sure if they will take me back at the flat if it doesn't work out here. Because I had a phone call yesterday saying that they were thinking about kicking me out because my room isn't tidy. They told me that until they put into writing that my room isn't passing the inspections, that it isn't a big deal. If I leave there on bad terms, they won't let me come back. So I have to make it very presentable before my last ever room inspection.
Shouldn't be all that hard, I'll just throw some stuff in boxes.
OH, and I also got called a psychopath yesterday.
Yesterday reaaally wasn't a good day.
Yeah, that cunt of an ex that messed me around really badly is still messing me up, with his manipulative little tricks, by going around Salisbury calling me a psychopath. Well, I'll have that bastard know that I took an online test (three) that all say I'm not a psychopath. Not even fucking close. AND why would my counselor deem me uncrazy, able to function alone, and not need to see her anymore, if I was a psychopath?
Really sick of wankers that manipulate, and no one notices because they are so 'charming'.
Plus, the daft idiot should reeeaaallly look up the word psychopath, I think he may be surprised with the way he sees himself afterwards.
So yeah, gotta keep going (:

The Catcher in the Rye

Well, I did read the catcher in the rye. Which was good, I really love that book. Always gets to me. I always forget how it ends and how it affects me. I love the style of the book; the way it is written, so easy to read but then again, so hard.
Holden is such an accurate representation of boys, really, even sixty years later you can see the resemblances. He is much like me in a way as well - I hate people who are, as he says 'phony' and he doesn't change at all in the book. He is an adult but he is stuck with a child's mind and often, I feel like that; I'm grown up, I have a flat and I pay rent and I buy my own food. I myself have changed a lot because of this, but then when I'm with my friends my kid-self kicks back in and I become like seriously annoying because I don't know how to be my age any more. I always seem to forget the ending. I haven't read it in more than a year before today.
I always remember afterwards why it stays in the back of my bookshelf (or box)
Because the ending is always a reminder of experiences, people who turn out differently, even though you knew them so well. or so you thought. And the experiences you had with them. Mine are mostly bad. The stupid book makes me remember the bad. and that was what I didn't want today; I wanted the day to try and forget. It never works out.

Nope

Didn't manage to get out of bed today. Have only just moved a little bit. Only to pick up my laptop and  only to let the thoughts whirl back in and upset me further.

I can't do tomorrow either. how the hell can I?

Not fair

It's a year later and still it gets to me. I can't believe it because I thought it would have gotten better by now, just a little bit. But it still hurts and only two people know that I can talk to because the others fucked off and aren't who they were meant to be and I am left so alone in this. It doesn't feel good and I can't do tomorrow. I can't. I'm going to be pretending all day again and it's a little too much and I can't help but want to fall down and stop. Will it be like this every year? Will I constantly be looking back and seeing how much of a mess I let into my life and fuck me up? I hope not. I already know it has fucked me over big time. I don't need all of these reminders. And I wish I had someone that I can talk to about this because I really don't. The one person I can is already my go to person for everyfuckingthing else and I can't keep offloading on them because it just isn't fair.

Life isn't fair. Not for me.

Procrastination

So today is Tuesday and I didn't bother going home on an early bus from college.
I brought my laptop into college instead, because I thought that would motivate me into doing some work in my frees today. All it has done really is give me an excuse not to leave college and piss off elsewhere, and to sit and look like I'm working without people bugging at me to get off a college computer. And to sit at the front of the LRC and watch people go by. Yeah. Haven't felt too bad today. Yet. I have eaten which is in actual fact a rarity at college. I had some chips from the cafe that have made me feel extremely sick. I'm not even fucking surprised. Have done some good deeds - think I'm trying to make up for all the shit.
I don't care.
I didn't sleep at all last night, I stayed up watching Dexter on my laptop in my flat. And I forgot that it was night so I was blasting music and singing like a witch for an hour and a half at about one, before I opened the curtains and saw the dark skies seep inside and surround me. I clearly didn't piss anyone off though. Always know when you have because they are very vocal about it, and besides, an hour after that someone else did the same. The night activities there are rather strange.
I didn't get to meet my flatmate after all. She came to pick up her keys before I got there, and told the staff that she was going to move her stuff in over the weekend. So I guess I'll meet her then. Tonight I'm gonna slip a note under her door, just to say hey, and to let her know that because ex-flatmate took the fridge with her, there isn't one in the kitchen, so if she needs one and she hasn't seen me, to give me a call and I'll come put mine in the kitchen and we can share. Because I am nice like that.
I'm only writing this so I can avoid doing some work. I really don't feel like it. I don't feel like being sociable either though. I don't know how but I have managed not to think today until now. That's kind of good.
I've really gotten into the Swedish singer Robyn these last few days. I liked her when I was a lot younger. She's a totally different genre to what I usually listen to. But there are some fab lyrics. posted some on facebook because they describe someone that I know really well. Now some people think I'm pissed off with them because I didn't specify that they are lyrics and think that I'm talking about them. I'm not. I know for a fact that if you're reading this then they aren't about you.
Because you're probably nice.
Well, you gotta be to be able to to be reading a blog about me.

can do it

Okay, so evidently I didn't end up leaving today. I couldn't leave for a couple hours after I had written that post anyway, so I stayed in college and went to my English feedback session which wasn't as bad as i thought, and to waste the time after that I got stuck back into my coursework. When the time came that I could leave and catch a bus out (I can't deal with trains very well) I started walking, but it was like walking through sludge. My feet were heavy and I didn't want to have to lift them. I couldn't do it. I knew that there are more important things than the past, so I couldn't make myself walk out of there into the unknown. I feel like that a lot though. I hardly ever manage to actually get on the bus or train that I'm heading for.
this doesn't mean the past doesn't hurt though, or that I won't feel the same tomorrow. It does, so much so that I can't always function and need a hand through. I did it on my own today though. What it does mean is that now, when I get like this tomorrow or whenever, I'll know I can get through it after all. Plus tomorrow I have a half day because I do not have to go to English in the afternoon. So I can still do this. The in between panicky moments always make me stronger in the end.
I'm off to go meet my new flatmate now. Hope she has cake...

This week

This week is not going to go very well. I don’t know when I realised that, to be honest, because I've been fooling myself as this week approached, that I could let it just sweep by and pretend it’s just like any other week. It’s not. I don’t know how I thought I could get by thinking that I could pretend it was. I guess that’s just how I got by until now. I don’t know how I am going to manage to get through the rest of this hour, let alone the whole day. I knew I shouldn’t have come in, I felt it last night, nagging at me, pulling me down. And now I'm there, I'm under, and I can’t breathe and all I can do is keep writing because otherwise, I'm not going to be able to stop myself walking out of here and not coming back. I wanted to take the week off, hide somewhere, and I didn’t do it, because no matter what I know I still need to be here, in college, working and trying because I have to get away. From all the things that remind me of what should have been. Somehow I still care about the long run of college. But right now I need to have it take care of itself so I can just be. If I leave this week I'm not going to make it back. I’ll stay away and I don’t know what. Keep running until I break so hard that I'm stuck. Kind of feels like that’s going to happen soon anyway. It’s not like I can keep turning to the same friend and expect them to pick me back up again. They’ve done that way too much recently. But I have no one else to help me with this and I don’t know what to do. So I'm writing. And I'm writing so hard that maybe the blurriness is from typing too hard. But we all know it’s not. I think I'm going to go.

Tesco carrier bags and bras.

So yeah, yesterday was a little bit crap. Went to my mother's soup morning thing that raised money for the Trussell Trust. I won a bar of chocolate that I split with my older sister (because I am awesome.). Not gonna lie it was a bit boring because I was there for about three-four hours. I ate a bunch of cake. Cake is good.
Well, after that finished I went with my sister (The second oldest one. Maybe I should do a general clarification blog post some when..) back into town. Whilst waiting for a bus we bumped into one of my brothers, the one I haven't spoken to/been spoken to by, for a loooong while, for reasons I'm not even sure about. Crazy. But yeah, haven't seen him in so long that I was confused for the first five minutes as to who he was.
WELL, anyway. moving on from thaaat, I went into town with my sister, we bumbled around Tesco's, which has finally reopened inside of town. Have missed it so much, was practically kissing the workers with glee because Sainsbury's just is not the same. They make you carry orange. Orange. Which doesn't go with ANYTHING. And, from a skinny jean disaster (I didn't know it was a disaster then..) a few years ago (when I was fourteen perhaps?), I am very aware of the fact that I do not look good in orange (However, going through old clothes the other week I found them, and they fit again now. Woo I'm getting less fat!)
Speaking about the carrier bags of supermarket shops, no one else is excited about the new Tesco carrier bags, but I think they are preeeettyy sweeeeeet.
So yeah, we bumbled about, couldn't find the really good smelling chicken that was a-cooking in there anywhere, so bumbled back out, after stumbling around the new layout of the self service tills. Went back to sister's, left to meet... I don't know what to call her on here. My friend's mum that I'm moving in with. My sisters have taken to calling her my surrogate mother. But I think I'll just call her T for on here. Yeah, so on my way into town to meet T I bumped into my father of whom I don't speak with because of a lot of reasons, and he doesn't recognise me and I got pissed off about stuff even though it's not important anymore.
But anyway it was all good because when I met T we went to JustJanes (some underwear shop that's very nice) and surprised me with a bra that actually fits and is a crazy size. First time I have ever been fitted with one, and, to be honest, first time I have looked at the size properly before buying one. Now when I wear clothes I look even more damn sexy hot ^.^
So I was feeling pretty damn shite most of the day, and really just wanted to go and stick my head under a quilt and cry and be a depressing loser (LOL what's the different to my day to day self?!), but I couldn't do that, because when I got back to my frie... going to start calling it my new home on here, too much effort otherwise. So I couldn't do that when I got back there because I was helping to make dinner for the million people that were coming over for dinner. So I did some awkward social interactions and stuck myself into work afterwards. Pretty good huh?
No, you say? Well, I was referring to the fact that I managed to not hide away and say fuck off to all my work. So yeah, all things considered it wasn't as bad a day as yesterday's post made out.
NB yesterday's post was mainly written because a friend said that the post before that was boring because it was too long... this one has gone on a bit as well to be honest.

yeah, probably

Considering today's events, perhaps it really was a bad idea for my councillor to discharge me.

Don't steal my soap

So, as you may have realised from the rather prominent evidence, that I haven't done a single post all week. That is because I have had nothing good to write about (hence the picture down there), and I can't stand just blogging about crap. Hilarious concept: that is ALL I blog about.
So, we'll start with some good news I think. Well, is it good? Who knows. Can be taken in different ways. I took it rather badly yesterday, but today I had great joy in telling people that I was considered 'no longer a risk' which is fab. Basically my councillor, who I have actually only seen a grand total of, wait for it, five times, came to see me yesterday, for the first time in about three months I guess really, and deemed me 'safe' and 'happy'. Whilst talking to her, inside, I was screaming at her "What the hell? You appear to be mistaking me for NORMAL?!? Have you NO idea what my brain is like? Have you EVER had a conversation with me? Are YOU the crazy one? Do you know ANY of the things I have gone through? How can ANYONE  be normal after this crap?" Basically, I thought she must be absolutely mental to think I'm okay because half the time I feel like I can't even breathe from the amount of thought that goes around my teeny incompetent brain. Then I realised yesterday, whilst lying in bed not doing my mountain of coursework, that she doesn't know anything about stuff that's happened to me, because I'm such a closed book. (those aren't my words by the way)
So I cheered myself up (by watching this guy on YouTube who I found, who is HILARIOUS. well actually, he is just average funny, but I just LOVE his voice. His user name is Charlieissocoollike)
So basically, I've been deemed 'un-crazy'
crazy huh?
Hmm... other things that have happened..
Well, my flat has been cleaned up (a bit) finally, by a cleaner. Not because of the amount of times I have bugged them about the raging mess that it is, that I absolutely refuse to clean up because it's all ex-flatmate's mess, and that it just really was  too disgusting, but they have had it cleaned because I am due a new flatmate on Monday. Which I am terribly excited about. I've still got plans to move out in the very-near future, but I really want to know what she is like. And I need to make sure she doesn't steal my soap. I am very serious about my soap. If you know me you will remember me going into a rage about ex-flatmate stealing my soap when she moved out. Serious topic, is soap.
So yeah, new flatmate, deemed not crazy by someone who doesn't know a thing about me.
And loving soap.
Seems I had something to blog about after all(:

Positive thinking and all that..

Know what, I've had a lot going on this week.
Not surprising seeing as I had decided to have a relaxing week!
It's been completely shitty, and because of my crap I haven't gone places I was meant to, which means I have pissed off some friends. I didn't even do anything for Halloween, which I was terribly excited for.
Instead of getting gloomy on here, I'm gonna do a boring old blog post about the book I just finished reading yesterday. Positive thinking and all that Jazz.
It's called The Death Of Bees and I only started reading it because when I went into the IPod shop last week to see if they could fix my IPod, I had a fifteen minute wait, in which I went to Waterstones because it was just about 5 and I knew it would be almost closing - ergo, basically empty. I don't like book shopping when it is busy because I feel rushed. Scrap that - I hate all shopping when I feel rushed by hoards of people.
So anyway I had gone into Waterstones just to have a look around and waste some time. Obviously I couldn't leave empty handed, and the first book I pick off of the shelf is this one, and I fell in love with the blurb. Then it was awkward because I had to look around the whole rest of the shop with them knowing that I knew I would not be buying a different book, that I knew this was what I would buy, and just generally pissing them off by delaying them closing up for the day. That was mildly fun though.
So this book starts off with a prologue informing you of two names, two birth dates and two death dates. The only writing with them is 'Today is Christmas Eve. Today is my birthday. Today I am fifteen. Today I buried my parents in the backyard. Neither of them were beloved.'
Totally grabbed me. who doesn't want to read about two teenage girls who have buried their parents in the backyard for some anonymous reason? probably a normal person, but I'm far from that let's be honest.
So yeah, the book is about Marnie (the fifteen year old) and her younger sister Nelly, who is clearly somewhere on the autistic spectrum but is just an absolutely fab character. Their parents are drug addicts; drunks, and later we find out worse things about their dad. Their mother's father is a big part of the book as well. These two girls carry on living in Glasgow without parents, unchallenged for months on the whereabouts of their parents. Displaying how awful the systems can be...
There are a few little gory bits on their parent's deaths as well, about how they leave them in the house for a while before removing them, and then how it is trying to get them out and into a grave. This book just really caters for every need I have in a book to be honest. It's written in the views of three of the main characters - Marnie, Nelly and their neighbor, Lennie. Lennie is an absolute darling.
You should definitely read it.

And now I feel slightly better of my week because I haven't written crap about it. Instead I got to bore you(:

Decisions!!

Still very much in the decision stages of moving out of my flat. 

At the moment my flat is still in such a state from the mess my ex flatmate made in there, so I haven't really been around there much because they're supposed to get someone else to sort it but they just haven't yet. I have a feeling that it's going to fall onto my shoulders to clean it up - but that should not have to, espesh considering the amount of rubbish bags in there. I can barely walk into the kitchen. In fact, the only time since her leaving that I have gone in there was to open a window to coax all the flies out of my flat.

Well, my flat is going to stay flatmate less for at least a month (according to my key worker who is NOT very reliable as I have learnt previously)  which is fab because I get to piss about in my flat without worrying anymore, but terrible as well because kitchen is too awful to use still so it's still microwavable or nothing for me! Plus, my flat is kind of empty now; there's nothing to wake me up (that's actually in the flat -- can't speak for all the other residents) but there is also a kind of silence in the flat -- which is something that I can't stand when I'm alone. 

When I do get a new flatmate, which I hope happens, I can't wait to show her around the flat and tell her how to use stuff and everything -- stuff that my flatmate should have done for me but was too much of a bitch to bother with. New flatmate will not feel as lost and isolated as I did.

However, it's all very we and nice to say this stuff, but what if the new flatmate is just as awful as the last? At my friend's house I know exactly where I stand, and I'm getting to know them quite well, and they're very nice. However, I have come to realise that people can pretend to be something for a very long time before they show their true colours, so what if this is the case with them? To be honest I can't really see them being much else than how I already know them - they do seem very nice. But there's still that chance that one day they will just snap. For instance, they may get very sick of me not going out all the time, or of me not being able to get out of bed sometimes. It may just be a niggle at the moment, but what if one day they snap and tell me to get out, if I cant be bothered to get out of bed and even try to go to college, why are they bothering to house me until I go to uni? Because if I'm not at college, I wont get to uni at all. 

At the moment I can sit here and say, well, I'll just make sure I always get up and go to college, but I also know that it really isn't as simple as all that when it comes down to it.

so i still think i must need to give it a little more time, but i do think that i will eventually just live with them Anyway, I know that's like taking an easy way out - something I haven't really had an option to do before, but then again, what if i never get an easy route again? It is nice having people around me almost all of the time, and actually being nice to me without feeling like they have to because we're related. So I probably will be moving in with them, simply because they aren't going to change their ways while I try it out. The only way to truly know a person is to spend that amount of time in their hiding space, if you catch my meaning. Plus at the moment it's like I'm living in two places at once again which previous experience allows me to know that I can't keep it up for too long because it's so exhausting.

I do have great support from my sisters in everything, but that is supposed to be a job reserved mainly for my mother, no? Well where the hell is she? Well, if she was anywhere where she is meant to be then I would be living with her and not having to do this shit.