Decisions!!

Still very much in the decision stages of moving out of my flat. 

At the moment my flat is still in such a state from the mess my ex flatmate made in there, so I haven't really been around there much because they're supposed to get someone else to sort it but they just haven't yet. I have a feeling that it's going to fall onto my shoulders to clean it up - but that should not have to, espesh considering the amount of rubbish bags in there. I can barely walk into the kitchen. In fact, the only time since her leaving that I have gone in there was to open a window to coax all the flies out of my flat.

Well, my flat is going to stay flatmate less for at least a month (according to my key worker who is NOT very reliable as I have learnt previously)  which is fab because I get to piss about in my flat without worrying anymore, but terrible as well because kitchen is too awful to use still so it's still microwavable or nothing for me! Plus, my flat is kind of empty now; there's nothing to wake me up (that's actually in the flat -- can't speak for all the other residents) but there is also a kind of silence in the flat -- which is something that I can't stand when I'm alone. 

When I do get a new flatmate, which I hope happens, I can't wait to show her around the flat and tell her how to use stuff and everything -- stuff that my flatmate should have done for me but was too much of a bitch to bother with. New flatmate will not feel as lost and isolated as I did.

However, it's all very we and nice to say this stuff, but what if the new flatmate is just as awful as the last? At my friend's house I know exactly where I stand, and I'm getting to know them quite well, and they're very nice. However, I have come to realise that people can pretend to be something for a very long time before they show their true colours, so what if this is the case with them? To be honest I can't really see them being much else than how I already know them - they do seem very nice. But there's still that chance that one day they will just snap. For instance, they may get very sick of me not going out all the time, or of me not being able to get out of bed sometimes. It may just be a niggle at the moment, but what if one day they snap and tell me to get out, if I cant be bothered to get out of bed and even try to go to college, why are they bothering to house me until I go to uni? Because if I'm not at college, I wont get to uni at all. 

At the moment I can sit here and say, well, I'll just make sure I always get up and go to college, but I also know that it really isn't as simple as all that when it comes down to it.

so i still think i must need to give it a little more time, but i do think that i will eventually just live with them Anyway, I know that's like taking an easy way out - something I haven't really had an option to do before, but then again, what if i never get an easy route again? It is nice having people around me almost all of the time, and actually being nice to me without feeling like they have to because we're related. So I probably will be moving in with them, simply because they aren't going to change their ways while I try it out. The only way to truly know a person is to spend that amount of time in their hiding space, if you catch my meaning. Plus at the moment it's like I'm living in two places at once again which previous experience allows me to know that I can't keep it up for too long because it's so exhausting.

I do have great support from my sisters in everything, but that is supposed to be a job reserved mainly for my mother, no? Well where the hell is she? Well, if she was anywhere where she is meant to be then I would be living with her and not having to do this shit.

Pondering

So today was Thursday and I wish I'd not bothered getting out of bed to be honest.
It kinda wasn't worth it -- all I found out was that I need to fork out for a new ipod now. And that my laptop has probably got a bug on it that is tearing it to pieces from the inside out. But hey, just another day...
So I've been thinking that perhaps I should just encase myself in some sort of bubble, to prevent people from having to talk to me, and me from having to interact. Because gosh it's a bunch of hard bloody work having to talk to people all the time.
But hey ho.
Hmm... I didn't do anything of interest today. I was going to go to the art center hijack, but well, why bother when there is a comfortable bed here to just sit and lie in? So instead I went to bed and carried on writing some of my book.It's not coming on too badly to be honest. Though I think one of the main reasons I'm writing it is because there's not lots of things to write about on here because let's be honest, I'm pretty damn boring, and writing a book means I can pretend I am someone else for a while. But of course I get bored of even being someone else because things are going too slowly. As in, in my head all these thoughts and ideas are racing around my head, and I think I'd need at least six sets of hands to be able to start being able to write them down, because everything is going so fast and I just can't get everything down with just one pair. Like my hands are going 5mph whilst my brain is going at least a hundred, so there's no way i can keep up with it.
That's one of the reasons I run; because I'm trying to keep up with my head which is flying away with thought more than half of the time.It's when there's so many thoughts rushing around inside me and crashing into the side and not even pausing before speeding off again just to crash again, that I find if I go for a run it's like shaking them all out of me, and sometimes I imagine that they are being thrown out of my ears as I go. Because that's quite amusing.
I'm not sure if I prefer having the crazy rush of thinking or if I prefer it when I can't think of ANYTHING and I can barely think about one thing at a time because it's so overwhelming and makes me want to bury my head. which sometimes I do because I like finding out if I can remember where I buried it...
I definitely don't like it when my brain tells me it's time to stop and then just shuts down and won't let me do anything or feel anything; that's pretty rubbish.
But anyway, there's a cat climbing over me and telling me to stop.

Sociable?

So I had this relapse into a social life yesterday.

Crazy huh? I get so stressed with the banality of going to college and talking to people in my lessons and just generally having to be awake and out of bed, that I go straight home afterwards and just stop for a bit. I'm also very lazy and don’t like to go out with people on weekends. The only people I ever really see on the weekend are my older sisters!
But yesterday I went to the cinema. To see paranormal activity 4. I went to the 9pm one – usually in bed at this time. So you know when you’re in a really good mood and someone sticks on a horror movie, and you spend the time laughing at all the ‘scary’ bits because everything is funny to you in this mood? No? Is that just me? Well, I was in a laughy mood (partly because just before I went to go and see it my friend told me about a cinema somewhere accidentally showing para4 instead of Madagascar 3. Which is funny.) So anyway, was sat in a more than half empty cinema (I guess no one likes watching horror movies late evening, in the dark, on a weekday. Who knew.) laughing at all these sort of scary-if-i-were-to-watch-properly things that were happening, and having a great time.
I got home at midnight (badass, I know) and whilst walking home an old man tried to grope me (just because I have blonde hair doesn’t mean I want to sleep with you) but I didn’t shit myself with fear like I was worried about before I went out, and I stayed in my empty flat (fuck. Yeah.) with the light off.
Whilst in my flat I discovered that along with trashing the place, leaving a million flies in the kitchen and rubbish everywhere, my ex flatmate stole my new soap. Literally had been opened for a week. She doesn’t use soap. Not once, in the whole duration of living with her, did she wash her hands. Twice I heard her turn on a bathroom tap.
Okay, context: I'm not a pervy creep, it’s just that my room in the flat has the toilet next to it, hers has the shower. Because of the placement of my bad I can tell when a tap is being run. I'm not weird. I do have a problem with people who don’t wash their hands though. That girl is just all over gross. Oh, and I have plans seeping into my half term next week. Sweet.

NB, not really mad anymore for being cancelled on over facebook. Even though I dont have internet in my flat and it's lucky I checked facebook before heading off to my flat yesterday.

Eat. Work. Survive.

Okay, so food is what I'm thinking about today. Since I began trying out living with my friend and his family (and just so you know, because many people think this now, I am not interested in him in that way, he has a girlfriend, and I can't deal with a relationship at the moment) they have brung to my attention my eating habits. They are the kind of family who sit down every evening and eat a big meal together. They eat breakfast everyday and always have a lunch.
Before I moved out of my mum's house I never ate breakfast, lunch was rare, and dinner? Snacks infront of a tv. When I got my flat at the beginning I was all, fucking hell I have a bunch of money and noone watching what I eat, I can have chocolate dinners!! Ben an Jerry breakfasts!! And after a week I realised that I would get very fat very fast if I did that much longer, plus I was feeling very sick. So I stopped eating in the morning, and had a microwave meal mid afternoon. (previous posts explain why I couldn't use the oven..) And that was it. Yeah I know, not healthy either is it. Well since I moved in there in May, and stopped going to college after my June exams I had a lot of time on my hands, and at this point had decided to spend minimal amounts of money on food and save up the rest of my money. Because hey, who needs food?
Then I started going on long walks with my older sister and spending time with her, and it's her influence that started me trying to eat healthier. So I spend two weeks of food money on fruit and low calorie foods, and then I started going out and walking/running by myself.
When I started college I realised I couldnt go from six in the morning to half six in the evening without food. I started eating breakfast. Which I don't remember ever really doing before. And now because I have decided I need to save up all my money, I have cut back on my food intake and am just eating when I am very hungry, and I'm only eating good things.
I have a very small intake of food, but I like it that way. I do not like people trying to dictate what I eat. It is one of my absolute most hated things.
Whenever i relent and let my mum take me tesco shopping, she will look at what I'm putting in my basket and critisice EVERYfuckingTHING in there. And if I look in her trolley; all cake and chocolate. If I stay the weekend at hers she has lots of bad foods there. I'm not sure if that is really what she eats all the time, or whether it is to try and tempt me into seeing her more often. Either way: not good. I spend every day stopping myself from eating sweet things. It is very difficult having people tempt me all the time. Sometimes, I wish someone would just say, well done for not having that giant pudding I have laid out for you, well done for eating that meal I put out for you, I know you don't like to eat lots. Instead of telling me to eat more.
At college these days I usually go down to the village and buy some fruit for my lunch, because anything I take with me gets squashed under all the stuff I have to bring in with me, and because I spend all my free time doing my work (or admittedly writing my blog) it's nice to have a break and walk somewhere, and to have a reason to walk anywhere.
So there. I DO eat. I work. I survive

22 October(:

Okay, all that work I'm behind on -- fuck it. Because I am a freaking boss, I worked bat shit crazy hard and am up to date in art, once I have finished a couple things I am good to go in health and social. For English I gotta just start the analysis, and then I have the whole of next week (half term) to write like crazy and get up to date. Then psychology. I just really have to start some sort of revision. but I can start that over half term. I'll sort myself out properly, and everything will be fine.
SOO... living situation--
My flatmate has been kicked officially out of my flat now, so I have the flat to myself. This of course, changes things with where I am going to want to be living. The main reason I have beeen so unhappy in my flat was because of her, so now that she is gone, Ishould be a lot happier there. However, I am not very happy with the way the staff have been handling the situations, so what is to say that if my new flatmate (when I get one) isn't going to be just ike my old one, and that they are going to handle it properly? Nothing. So I know that things could get very much worse if my new flatmate is a knob too. So I still think I will be wanting to move into my friends house with his family, only now, it can be more relaxed, much more gradual and I can slowly adjust there, whilst still having my flat at the foyer, so that I can really test the waters properly there for a good couple months before I move in.
So things are good today.
I have even managed to get back into some kind of routine with exercising, starting with a nicelengthy walk with my older sister on Saturday, and a run on Sunday night after absolutely stuffing myself with absolutely gorgeous and healthy food.
So I'm thinking that so long as I keep exercising,  keep a routine and stay focussed, that I'll be okay, and the Thursday blues I've been experiencing recently will stay at bay.
Which brings me to the one point in my life that I am very unhappy with at the moment: my counsellor.
Because of what happened earlier this year, I was assigned to a counsellor, whom I was meant to see every week so talk shit over and make sure I don't fall under. The summer was alright, I saw her every week (except when she waws on her three week holiday) and things were fine. Then when i started college, I haven't seen her even once. And I have been having a rough time, as you can see from previous posts. I haven't seen her, because she won't come out to where I live for when i get back from college, becauses she will get back to her office later, and therefore finish her day slightly later. Basically, she forgets, just like the staff where I live, that this is my life; I have to live it, for me, the problems don't just go away when I leave their presence like it does for them, I have to keep these problems around with me.
Free medical care certainly has it's downside.

19 october

For the past three weeks I have taken Thursday off college, because I’ve been unable to get out of bed. Last week I took Friday off too. This week, I forced myself to go in today. The last couple weeks I have had reason to feel depressed and therefore not go to college. I can’t work out why I couldn’t manage yesterday though. The week was going so well. It was the fair where I live. I can always get out of bed on Mondays. Not sure why. Maybe it’s because it’s the day I have double English and double art and tutor. Maybe it’s because the beginning of the week is less stressful. Maybe it’s because I’ve just had a weekend to recover from having to socialise. College was good this Monday. Only had to go to half of English because I was on track with my coursework. Double art was fun, as usual, I have three friends in there, and we laugh so much. I went back to my almost new home after college, and was given dinner.
Tuesday I had double psychology. Made conversation with the really nice but kind of shy boy who I sit with. Which was good. He even asked if I was going to the cafe in our break; I had to go and see my tutor manager to authorise my absence though. This is maybe where this week went wrong. Three of my teachers are unhappy with me. English because apparently I appear isolated and unhappy. Well, let's be honest – I'm not a bundle of joy these days. Really crap things have happened and I still don’t know if they've stopped yet. I’m worried about making friends, but I do talk to the people I sit near. She is worried that I am not learning because I do not ask questions. I don’t ask questions because I wait until everyone else has asked theirs, and that tends to cover anything that I want to know. If it didn’t, I would put my hand up; or alternatively, ask her after lesson or email her.
Health and social; my lame teacher who hasn’t taught us anything yet set homework telling us to do the first exam question. So I did. Three people in the class went ahead and did the entire exam. The rest of us did the first question, as asked. Silly teacher tells the class (that I was absent from last Friday) that they are underachieving. This would not be the case if she did work with us in the lessons. She sent an email saying that I was underachieving, having not spoken about what I missed in the lesson to anyone in my class; I was lead to believe that this was directed at just me.
Psychology: she was worried because I’m behind because I’ve had to learn everything that others learnt last year, and that my transfer documents hadn’t been approved yet, so neither me nor her knew whether I needed to actually be learning this exam stuff, or whether I should be looking to do an external psychology a level.
After finding all of this out I spent the second half of double psychology trying not to cry, then, trying to be strong, I go to the LRC to do catch up stuff from the end of the week. When my friend comes up to me I end up crying on her shoulder and spending the rest of my day with her and various others. She is a great motivator, don’t know what would have happened if she hadn’t spoken to me and changed my mind set. Went home and to the fair with a friend who stayed over.
Wednesday: ride on said friends motorbike to college, had to ride through knee deep water. All fine until last double lesson: my other health and social teacher springs a trip to the AIL (adult inclusive learning) part of the college, for us to socialise and familiarise with the learning disabled adults in the college. Thrown into this situation, I try very hard not to have a panic attack. Felt like I was one of the learning disabled and not the mainstream student. Ride home on friends motorbike again, stay over his. In the morning: physically couldn’t force myself to get up and go do something, even though I knew it would make me feel better. Felt like shit because persuaded friend to skip as well, and he had an ISA exam. I’m a terrible friend.

You can't think this up...

So, I'm trying it out. Ironically, the day I decicide to, I am informed that my flatmate is being kicked out. You really couldnt think this stuff up!
So I spent the weekend at my friend's, he was away with his dad, so it was just me his sister and mum. I had a great time; their bath has jets in it, and their shower is like a spaceship. I sortted some stuff out in what will be my room: people have given me all kinds of things for it, including a black silk duvet cover (which I bloody love), a black coat (which is absolutely gorgeous; I dont usually wear coats!), picture frames, other clothes. the family have given me lots of things too -- expensive things that I will be eternally grateful for!
I didn't really do much all weekend to be honest: the bed here is so comfortable that I just didnt want to get up at all-- extremely unusual for me! I didnt do any running or dvds, I did go out for lunch at one of their family friends' house, which was lovely. I think I rather like it here. It's very relaxed, and I dont find myself hating the idea of going home to try and do work, fearful of what 'delights' I will encounter when I get there, and the exhaustion that would come over me and lull me to sleep as soon as I sat down.
So it's the fair where I live this week. Well, beginning of. I'm going to it tomorrow with a friend, and he's staying over mine, then I'll be staying over his on the wednesday, securing myself a ride on his motorbike to and from college. fuck yeah.
cant wait until i can afford to buy myself a bike, tbh, with careful purchasing (like not going and spending more than £150 on tickets to see pink in april) and maybe sending a letter to my dad to ask for a birthday present, I think I really could get one for my 18th (:
So this has been my first happy post. The first time when things are actually going very well in my life, and I can't see anything to stop that! fab!

Last week

So this was last week. I went to dinner on the 30th at a friend’s house, I’d been a few times before since starting my new college because I went to one of my secondary schools with this particular friend, and he told his family about how I was having a rough time of it with my flatmate. So I think they just wanted to help. Okay, so whilst I was there last week my friend took me into their living room with his parents and younger sister. And they chatted to me a bit, and then offered to give me a room in their house so that I don’t have to live with my flatmate anymore. Which is an absolute crazy offer! And I told them I’d have to think about it. Which I have been doing. I wrote a list of pros and cons:

Pros

I wouldn’t have to be responsible for anyone else’s mess anymore (flatmates mess)
I wouldn’t have to live or see said flatmate anymore
I would be closer to the bus station, so as it gets colder I won’t have to walk as far
It’s closer to my sister’s house, which means I wouldn’t have to leave as early when I see her on Saturdays (this is absolute laziness: I often see her on Saturdays to exercise)
If I find a spider or other creepy crawly that creeps me out then I can ask one of them to help me
I will be able to get my post when it comes
I won't have to lug my washing everywhere so that I can have clean clothes
I will be able to shower whenever I want
I can just move out of theirs when I’m eighteen and into a flat of my own because I will be able to hold a tenancy and I will be even more grown up and responsible in six months’ time
They will take me up to see universities when I need to in the summer
They say they will help me with any problems I encounter, should I wish them to
They really are very nice and giving people and I can't find anywhere else in Salisbury to live

Cons

I think they want me to just be a part of their family, which is always a bad idea as I have realised from previous experience.
They don’t want money for me living with them, people aren’t just ‘kind’ for the sake of it in this world, my logic dictates: they want something else
They might get funny about me having visitors
I don’t know if my room has a lock on it and I've kind of gotten used to being unable to sleep without a locked door to keep me safe
If they are trying to be a family then they won't allow me to do certain things that I do at the moment, like randomly going out at two in the morning because of one reason or another
They have to know secret things about me
It might put strain on my friendship
I’m scared it will go pear shaped and I’ll end up in an even worse state than I am now

So I finally came to the conclusion that I will try it out. Because it would be extremely silly to not even give it a try because if I didn’t I would be putting myself through a lot of strain and upset for no reason for another year, when maybe it really would work out well at my friends.
So I told them I would like to try it, that I want to have a legal tenancy document so that they cannot throw me out at a random point and I find myself completely homeless and nowhere to go. It’s exciting, but those cons are still on my list, and they will need to be addressed before I break my tenancy where I currently live.

This was written just to record an (unfortunately) average night where I live.  But I thought I might as well post it here!

Hopefully adding the last two posts I have written recently, then I can write about the crazy stuff that has happened this past week!!

23rd september

Flatmate has loud music on. Her boyfriend in the kitchen. After a shower she leaves and he stays in, and when she comes back I can audibly hear her ask if I'm still in, then she put loud music back on and there are a lot of loud voices. I go to bed about eight. So fucking tired that I am only vaguely aware that at some point she leaves the flat. No idea what time or whether she was alone or not.

One am

Have been dosing for a little while, but now I'm fully awake. There is a lot of shouting, primarily from a boy and a girl, and my flatmate. Ten minutes of this leads to flatmate coming up the stairs and slamming the door shut. If I wasn’t already awake, she just ensured I would be now. behind her, the other girl yelled at her to ‘leave it alone you dirty skank’ so even though I've rudely been woken up, at least it’s slightly funny.

There’s arguing between flatmate and boyfriend. There was an audible slap, pretty sure it was from her. Ironic as most of the shouting on her part was disbelief as to why a girl would stay with a guy who hits her… feel sorry for her boyfriend..

Half one

Things have calmed down but can still hear voices. Try going back to sleep.

Girl screams her head off and can hear her running, followed by a male who is shouting at her. Audible hit. Flatmate begins screaming and crying and shouting again. Delightful. Half a mind to go slap her myself. Lots of shouting between lots of people downstairs..

Two, everyone has shut up. Except flatmate.  She’s still loudly crying for god knows why. If she hadn’t shoved her nose in their business, she would be fine -.-

Hmm.. first time in a while that I've been woken up and not heard her mouth off to me… things may improve!

Twenty past two… talking. running. Slamming doors.

Flatmate back downstairs shouting.

Screaming

Why isn’t the security guy doing his job?

This post was from the 18th of september. SO much has happened since then!

 

Things are really stressful

I'm on the bus home from college and things today are catching up with me. I know it’s stupid but I'm kind of crying and that’s really embarrassing because if anyone saw they would think that I'm not coping. Well maybe I'm not but I wish I was.
Over the summer my mum was going on and on at me to get a dentist and orthodontist appointment. So I finally let her make them for me, and I let her know when my holidays from college were, so I wouldn’t have to miss any lesson time.
So I was asking her the other day when they were so that I wouldn’t miss them, and at lunch I got a call from her, shouting and telling me that I should be doing these things myself. She offered to do this for me remember.
So I'm stood there, middle of collegewith her shouting in my ears about how rubbish I am, and I thought, I really don’t have to listen to this shit anymore. I don’t live with her anymore. One of the reasons I don’t is because she does this, and now, she has no pull over my life. Well, she shouldn’t do anyway. So I hung up. And proceeded to throw myself into some work to forget about it. Which was good. But then she rang me again on the bus home, and stupid little me answers, thinking maybe she’s ringing to apologise.
Instead, I hear her tell me that the appointment was last week, I've missed it, I'm irresponsible, and that I now don’t have a dentist because I also missed appointments over the summer. What summer appointments? I never made any. So now worried as hell, shaken up and a little pissed off, I hang up again. I have no idea whether or not this is all true, nor what I'm going to do if it is true.
But it’s fine, I think, I can work it out, there’s always a way right.
But then she texts me, tells me my appointment is in October. She LIED to me simply to cause me undue stress and to make me feel shit. And it worked, because now I'm sat scrunched up on the bus worrying over whether I did miss any appointments over the summer, and tired of the crap my mum pulls over me.

I feel like balls

This one is from the 20th

I've started crying again. I only just realised, I don’t know how long but at least every night this week I've come home and found myself crying sooner or later. This is different though, I know WHY I'm upset.
It’s because of my jerk off flatmate.
Her boyfriend is always here, I can’t shower when he’s here because he always comes out when I've finished, watching me walk to my room in just a towel. I've not showered since Sunday. Today is Thursday. I'm going to have to gather up the courage to shower sometime between now and morning. I guess I’ll have to try and wake up early. Of course even then there’s no guarantee that he won’t be here. I'm also scared that my flatmate will come out and say stuff to me when I'm not in the safety of my room.
At the moment she has at least three guys in the flat. I feel like I can’t even leave my room and I don’t know what I'm going to do when I need to pee later. I can’t even go out for a walk or anything because they’ll be watching me. They might even follow me. I heard her boyfriend just now telling her that ‘if she has any trouble, there’s a golf club here, and a bat over there’ I'm guessing in her room. So I'm scared of having my head bludgeoned in now. On top of everything else.

I'm tempted to blast music back at her. But I'm more mature than that. She called me immature yesterday. Because apparently I don’t clean the shared part of the flat. ‘How hard is it to pull out a hoover every once in a while’ she went. Well seeing as I DON’T HAVE A HOOVER AND GOD FORBID YOU LET ME USE YOURS, VERY EXTREEMLY HARD YOU FAG. Instead I clean the oven and do her washing up every now and then. But apparently she thinks the fairies do that. I told her I don’t use the rest of the damn flat. She said something about hair in the bathroom. I was so damn shocked at her. This last week I haven’t been able to run the tap in EITHER bathroom without the sink filling up because her hair is clogging it up. I don’t brush my hair in the bathroom because I don’t like leaving my room.
So today she’s paying me back. She got her hoover out (first time I've heard HER use it) and was shouting to her friends (people who fuck her) that she’ll teach me what a hoover is, and proceeded to bang the hoover into my door for five minutes. Then told them that she won’t hoover the outside of my door because she ‘doesn’t use that part of the flat’. Retarded, she hovered it BY WHACKING IT INTO MY DOOR. And she called ME immature. At least I don’t smoke weed in my flat and waste my money on fags and alcohol. At least I won’t be living off benefits for the rest of my life.
I'm a little bit stressed. I don’t want to wake up in the morning. But then again, I’d rather wake up early and get OUT OF HERE. I’d like to have more work so that I don’t have time to feel sad. But I have enough work now to stop me and I'm not doing anything. I don’t want people to know I'm not coping with her.

Have been SO busy with coursework! and catching up with psychology work! but here are a couple of posts that I have written over the last couple of weeks, with more to follow (hopefully) tomorrow!

 

This was a mixture of what happened around the 16th-18th of september

Hate my flatmate

She had a go for me never doing anything in the flat. Told her I don’t use it, maybe she should take responsibility for her own mess because there isn’t going to be someone to clean up after her forever. Then I went back into my room. Was the first time I ever said anything back to her after her having a go. She shouted after me that I'm immature {NB Wednesday 26 September key worker said she always forgets how old I am because I'm so much more mature than the others that live here. Most of the other residents here are older than 20.  Fuck my flatmate.}  the rest of my evening was invariably spent with earplugs in due to excessive noise on her part.
The next day, come home to three random guys in the flat… wth. Loud music on… go in my room and shove my head in a pillow. Not hungry so stay like that for a while. Twenty minutes later my flatmate, knowing I am home decides to ‘treat me a lesson’ and  ‘ show her [me] what a hoover is’
She proceeds to turn the hoover on, shouting to her friends about how she has a sore throat,and about me (wth turn the music down stop smoking and leaving mould everywhere and your throat will be ten times better?) and bangs the hoover into my door (not a new trick, well, the only other time she’s hoovered she’s done exactly the same thing) and shouts to them how she isn’t going to hoover the outside of my door, because she doesn’t use it (really, you’re calling me immature? At least I pay my rent….) however, by having the hoover turned on, and banging it against my door, she is thus hoovering the outside of my door… she’s thick. Clearly.
After this there is a nice discussion about how horrible I am, just the worst flatmate ever, I never clean. Two minutes later I hear ‘oh fuck cleaning, I hate it, I never clean really. Just throw stuff away and start again’ I have no idea how the others reacted. She is so dumb.
More ranting about me… and ah, my favourite part of the evening. Her boyfriend tells her, ‘don’t worry babe, don’t forget that if you have any problems with her, there’s my golf club by the door, and the baseball bat under the bed.’

So hey, now I've been threatened!!
At college the next day I tell student support about how I'm not feeling safe where I live, and voila, call where I live to have them tell me (on the phone and when I get home in person) that it’s an indirect threat, I have no proof, basically there’s nothing they can do. I ask them to help me find a new place to live, because I can’t do it anymore. Not living with her it’s too impossible.
Told they can’t give me a different flat because there’s no evidence, and, knowing this, my flatmate has reversed everything and told them it was me, or that I have done similar things.

17th september on the bus

Things are really stressful

I'm on the bus home from college and things today are catching up with me. I know it’s stupid but I'm kind of crying and that’s really embarrassing because if anyone saw they would think that I'm not coping. Well maybe I'm not but I wish I was.
Over the summer my mum was going on and on at me to get a dentist and orthodontist appointment. So I finally let her make them for me, and I let her know when my holidays from college were, so I wouldn’t have to miss any lesson time.
So I was asking her the other day when they were so that I wouldn’t miss them, and at lunch I got a call from her, shouting and telling me that I should be doing these things myself. She offered to do this for me remember.
So I'm stood there, middle of college with her shouting in my ears about how rubbish I am, and I thought, I really don’t have to listen to this shit anymore. I don’t live with her anymore. One of the reasons I don’t is because she does this, and now, she has no pull over my life. Well, she shouldn’t do anyway. So I hung up. And proceeded to throw myself into some work to forget about it. Which was good. But then she rang me again on the bus home, and stupid little me answers, thinking maybe she’s ringing to apologise.
Instead, I hear her tell me that the appointment was last week, I've missed it, I'm irresponsible, and that I now don’t have a dentist because I also missed appointments over the summer. What summer appointments? I never made any. So now worried as hell, shaken up and a little pissed off, I hang up again. I have no idea whether or not this is all true, nor what I'm going to do if it is true.
But it’s fine, I think, I can work it out, there’s always a way right.
But then she texts me, tells me my appointment is in October. She LIED to me simply to cause me undue stress and to make me feel shit. And it worked, because now I'm sat scrunched up on the bus worrying over whether I did miss any appointments over the summer, and tired of the crap my mum pulls over me.
I feel like balls.