Decisions!!

Still very much in the decision stages of moving out of my flat. 

At the moment my flat is still in such a state from the mess my ex flatmate made in there, so I haven't really been around there much because they're supposed to get someone else to sort it but they just haven't yet. I have a feeling that it's going to fall onto my shoulders to clean it up - but that should not have to, espesh considering the amount of rubbish bags in there. I can barely walk into the kitchen. In fact, the only time since her leaving that I have gone in there was to open a window to coax all the flies out of my flat.

Well, my flat is going to stay flatmate less for at least a month (according to my key worker who is NOT very reliable as I have learnt previously)  which is fab because I get to piss about in my flat without worrying anymore, but terrible as well because kitchen is too awful to use still so it's still microwavable or nothing for me! Plus, my flat is kind of empty now; there's nothing to wake me up (that's actually in the flat -- can't speak for all the other residents) but there is also a kind of silence in the flat -- which is something that I can't stand when I'm alone. 

When I do get a new flatmate, which I hope happens, I can't wait to show her around the flat and tell her how to use stuff and everything -- stuff that my flatmate should have done for me but was too much of a bitch to bother with. New flatmate will not feel as lost and isolated as I did.

However, it's all very we and nice to say this stuff, but what if the new flatmate is just as awful as the last? At my friend's house I know exactly where I stand, and I'm getting to know them quite well, and they're very nice. However, I have come to realise that people can pretend to be something for a very long time before they show their true colours, so what if this is the case with them? To be honest I can't really see them being much else than how I already know them - they do seem very nice. But there's still that chance that one day they will just snap. For instance, they may get very sick of me not going out all the time, or of me not being able to get out of bed sometimes. It may just be a niggle at the moment, but what if one day they snap and tell me to get out, if I cant be bothered to get out of bed and even try to go to college, why are they bothering to house me until I go to uni? Because if I'm not at college, I wont get to uni at all. 

At the moment I can sit here and say, well, I'll just make sure I always get up and go to college, but I also know that it really isn't as simple as all that when it comes down to it.

so i still think i must need to give it a little more time, but i do think that i will eventually just live with them Anyway, I know that's like taking an easy way out - something I haven't really had an option to do before, but then again, what if i never get an easy route again? It is nice having people around me almost all of the time, and actually being nice to me without feeling like they have to because we're related. So I probably will be moving in with them, simply because they aren't going to change their ways while I try it out. The only way to truly know a person is to spend that amount of time in their hiding space, if you catch my meaning. Plus at the moment it's like I'm living in two places at once again which previous experience allows me to know that I can't keep it up for too long because it's so exhausting.

I do have great support from my sisters in everything, but that is supposed to be a job reserved mainly for my mother, no? Well where the hell is she? Well, if she was anywhere where she is meant to be then I would be living with her and not having to do this shit.