Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Lovely things

You know what's awesome?
When your day starts out great. It is a lovely day so far for me.
I'm writing this now before something messes it up, so that when I get home, maybe I'll re read this post myself, and I'll get this lovely feeling back.
I can actually pinpoint the precise last moment that I felt like this, and it is really sad for me to realise that it was more than a year ago. Almost two. It was before I finished secondary school. I remember that it was any other lunchtime for everyone else, but for me, I had had another shit morning because of my mum, and had had a crappy evening because of my brother. But I was sat there that lunchtime, in the sun, and we were laughing. It was before the exam stress had set in, and I was still fifteen. I felt warm and happy, and I wish I hadn't lost that feeling in the midst of my bad experiences.
And now I realise I lost it, because I lost my friends. Because of my hectic home life. Since that day, things deteriorated too much for me to be able to keep up a happy pretense, and my friends were left at the bottom of my thoughts. We broke up for the summer and all went our separate ways. I went off to a different college to most of them, and never managed to keep in touch much. I closed up and began the roughest year of my life.
At the beginning of this college year I didn't have very many people left at all. in fact, I think I only had my family and a couple of friends who stuck by me even though I treated them like nothing, because I felt like nothing. And now, I just feel like I have everything. I have the most amazing people in my life, and I wouldn't be here if it hadn't been for some of them. I owe them my life for many reasons.
I came about this realisation whilst doing some coursework, because I suddenly realised that I was smiling, and that it was because I am happy. Lots of stuff has happened to me, but I wouldn't be here if it hadn't happened, and I am a hell of a lot stronger for it, and yeah, I have done things I am not proud of because of that overpowering feeling of worthlessness. But there isn't anything I cannot overcome anymore. I think I have already overcome more stuff than most other people ever have to. I can either keep living in my past, or I can learn from it and do some great things. And that's the thing, I've heard people say that to me so many times, but only now, today, does it actually feel I really have that choice; to let go.
A giant weight of stuff has been lifted now.
I am free.

Unfortunately, the weight hasn't literally left my shoulders; my bag is fucking heavy today because I brought my laptop to college with me to do work that I haven't done now because I decided to write this instead. It's nice and sunny though.

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