Wednesday, 26 December 2012


Thus begins the non-week!

The days between Christmas and new year are what I call the non-week. For a start, it isn't quite a week, but it is the four days between what most people would call the two biggest events of the year; Christmas and New Year.
I think as humans we spend this non-week very well.
We all go out and get shitfaced.
--As a side note here, I'd like to mention the fact that the internet will underline 'christmas' as not a real word unless it has a capital C, but be completely fine with the word 'shitfaced' Which I always thought was just a made up word really. I guess it has found a way into our language (':  Just in time for non-week --

I just love the way that we all spend the next few days either completely drunk out of our minds, or drunk out of our minds but then spend the day time pretending not to be hungover to the relatives. I think it's awesome.

Anyway, I'm off to enjoy my non-week.
If you don't hear from me in the new year, I'm in a coma  in the hospital, someone come slap me out of it.

Christmas (sorry)

Personally I had the best Christmas that I've ever had.
Usually they're pretty shit, we all end up arguing and just generally having a bad time.
This year was the first that I had completely out of my mum's house.
Last year I was at my mum's in the morning, but I went off to spend the afternoon with that cunt who was actually not very nice to me for the whole of that day and therefore last Christmas was just as bad as any other.

This year, I went over to my sister's flat after spending the morning with the people I lodge with.
My sister made just the most amazing dinner, I suspect she is putting up pictures of the food in her Wordless Wednesday post today, so HERE is a link. It was absolutely bloody lovely.
My mum was there for some of the day as well, and my other sister came over for a few hours in the late afternoon. I got some fab presents (I'm not going to brag about them because I actually don't want to be writing about Christmas at all because everyone else is because it is Christmas time.) and I just generally had a fab time. My baby niece got so many presents that she didn't manage to get them all opened yesterday, which either means that she was extremely spoilt this year by everyone or that she was extremely uninterested in opening them.
To be honest, it was actually a bit of both.
She got the most amazing Christmas present off of me though.
A while back I went to the Victoria and Albert Museum in London to see the Hollywood costumes and  shit (which was amaze)
Afterwards I went in the shop, and I saw they had baby grows. And I couldn't resist buying the one that said 'The force is strong in this one' which is a star wars reference and my sister loves star wars and I am an amazing sister.

After I finished up at my sisters I got nice and shitfaced. More on being drunk this time of year later today/tomorrow. I've already written the post, but it has to be separate.

OH, and (sorry, couldn't last the whole post) I got a very nice leather bag (hardly ever use hand bags, this may be the changing point) with a leather purse, Some fab books, new bras (so that I finally have some that fit), new tshirts, brush and edible glitter. The biggest present I got was a nice lump of money that I can use to go towards buying my bike leathers.

Yes, you can buy edible glitter.

Sunday, 23 December 2012

I love everyfuckingthing

Okay, so to recap my past couple of days.
Thursday I went to college, had no lessons, didn't end up going out anywhere, but got an awesome Christmas present, spent time with friends and played with mistletoe.
Friday I relaxed around my older sister's house with her baby, who is just trying to walk everywhere now and it is great fun to just have her hold your fingers and toddle everywhere. She had a few other people come around with their babies and that was pretty cool too. One of the little girls had learnt to crawl but because she's just learnt or whatever, she kind of does it so one leg is in front of her as she goes along, and I'm really sorry about this, but she just reminded me of the girl from the ring as she's climbing out of the well. Which is awful but kind of hilarious.
Then as you know I went out with a few friends to celebrate the end of the world, and rocked up home after we were sure nothing was going to happen.
I'm not going to lie; I'm actually very disappointed in the world for not doing anything.
What would have been great was if the power stations had just cut power everywhere for ten minutes. Just to freak people out. That would have been just hilarious. If I had a power station I would have done that for definite.
Everyone would have run around screaming for ten minutes.
Saturday... Spent the morning sleeping because I was so exhausted. Wrapped some presents up.. broke my rules by going off and having a nap and not going back to finish wrapping.
I started things rolling for buying my bike by ringing up and sorting out getting paperwork sent to me to get some moneys put in my bank so I can spend it.
My friend is definitely selling me his bike.
If he doesn't, and sells it to some other fucker before I give him the money, I am going to grab him by the balls and drag him through a field of nails and glass.
Just so he knows...
So yeah, have been a good couple of days.
I had some more bike lessons today.
That was fun. Did some turning with signals and stuff...
Can actually do U-turns now.
...Do you remember that post I did explaining what a CBT is? It's here in case you missed it.
Guess what happened today?
That's right bitches, I went on the road.
I did a total of about ten hours lessons overall before I was ready, and man was I ready.
Another guy showed up to go on the road as well, and I just shook my head at all the mistakes he made. Before we even left the training area.
Seriously, I don't think the way that they've set up the CBT is very good. Because it is literally a day course and then you're let loose. And you don't have to do a theory at all.
But still. I did great.
Except for that first round about.... But I was still fucking great. At least I didn't stall at the traffic lights and piss everyone off like the other guy because he didn't bother to switch back to first gear.
He messed up his hill start as well, which in turn messed up mine. I ran out of fingers counting how many times he stalled there. I was good at that.

Watch out hoes.

Saturday, 22 December 2012


So, as the world was supposed to end yesterday, I went out for a meal with a few friends.
T'was good. They all had proper food and I had my little prawn sammich.
The place that we went did puddings that you could share with up to six other people.
They had one each.
And I felt very proper with my itsy little Sundae. Which I was very pissed off about because I had a spoon that wouldn't fit into the bottom of the bloody glass and we all know that that is the best part of a goddamn sundae. After a few minutes of debating whether or not I should scream at a waitor that I needed a smaller spoon, I realised that I could just use the end of my spoon. And then I cheered everyone else on as they gorged on their pudding.
Look, those are the puddings next to my friend with the blue hair, and I look like a dick in the back there so don't look at my face, but you can see my tiny pudding there.

So anyway, when we finished up there, me and my friend with blue hair ( henceforth referred to as Smurfette ) went off to tesco and spent the rest of the evening guzzling alcohol.
Which is actually extremely unusual for me. I almost never drink. But I was all, 'hells to that bitches it's the end of the world!'
So the rest of our evening included following a flashing light ( I swear we would have been the first people to die if that had been the beginning of the end. Who walks towards the end?!?!? ) The light turned out to be an old couple taking photos of the cathedral.
Then we heard a giggle. Which creeped us out and we decided to walk away from that one.
There was a lot of peeing in bushes actually, but I wasn't a part of that... I used the men's toilet instead, which got a lot of jeers from the group of people nearby.
I flicked a bottle lid into my face when trying to get the top off....
Basically neither of us actually had a bottle opener, so we were using the straight edge of a fence... the first one that I did the lid came of well easy, and I felt like a boss. The second one... Well, the lid flew off after I got angry at it and hit me just above my eye. Good thing I wear glasses.
We were waiting on someone else to arrive at this point. I was getting a little chilly as well.
But then there was a big schmaffle (new word!!) against the fence and I spring up all panicked and grab Smurfette's arm (only so she knew I hadn't run off and abandoned her, obviously....) and we stand around like ahghashgdwskjnf what's going on?!
And two people emerge from the shadows. One was a really short person ( presumed to be a twelve year old twit) with some average looking guy. Apparently one of them tripped and fell into the fence. Which is hilarious. They sat in the park for a bit. When they left the  little one shouting something about wanting to lick our bum farts. My town is just delightful....
Yeah, so then Smurfette's friend turns up and I've not met her before. She seemed nice. She got us more alcohol. And we all did a very good job of appearing sober and normal in front of two patrolling policey people.
Hmm... what else happened..
After the other girl left us we went off to finish our drinks, and there were a lot of pissed people about, mainly because it was end of the world Friday - everyone wants to go out drunk. Obviously.
Yeah, Smurfette kept stopping drunk people to talk to them, and a man who was clearly almost at passing out stage ended up giving her money to get home! like he just dipped his hand in his pocket and gave it all to her. Which was fun and now I know how to get money when I'm short (I am kidding don't worry)
So yeah was a great evening <3

AND, now today, I am just THE happiest, because my brother sent me back a card and I didn't quite know what to do when I found it in the post and after my sister got off the phone I started crying which was really weird. I don't think I've cried tears of happiness before.
I'm off to do some wrapping. I am so happy.

Friday, 21 December 2012

Just in case guys... just in case.

Just in case we all die tomorrow

I sometimes don't shower for two or more days when I am not going out anywhere so that when I do next shower I can shave off an impressive 'beard'
I'm scared of growing toe hairs
I shave my arms because I'm paranoid someone will one day mention that I have hairy arms, and for some reason that freaks me out
I'm really lazy and hardly ever pluck my eyebrows.... the only thing I ever personally do is make sure I'm not growing a mono brow - my sister waxes the rest whenever I see her
I spend more money on my favourite people at Christmas; before now I have spent less than a pound on the person I probably should have spent the most on, according to society
I bite my first two fingernails and thumbnails but have stopped biting my ring  finger and little fingers - leaving me with oddly distributed nails
I really don't like eating with people
I wont pee if other people are nearby
I will quite happily sometimes wear the same outfit three days in a row - provided I wont see the same people on those days.
I can lie like a little bitch when there is something I really do not want to do
There are only about five people in my life that I cannot lie to at all.
No matter how badly I need a product, if it involves talking to a member of staff to get it, I will go without. (This is actually a pretty good system because it meas that my crippling social anxiety saves me money)
I still hold grudges against people that never paid me back money more than two years ago... the money borrowed being as little as 50p
I forget that I am mad at people very easily, but a few weeks later I will remember and rip their heads off about it.
I get very bored of being mad at people though
When walking down a street if I see a friend before they see me, no matter how close I am to them, I will pretend like I haven't seen them until they notice me.
Secretly hoping we all die
I actually love to freak people out with my hair.
If I could get away with it I would never wear clothes.... they're so boring...
I really hate people who are late ALL the time.
Today, I shamelessly licked not one, but two bowls of brownie mixture at my sister's. I then went home for a two hour nap.

If we all die today, I owe you all £100 each(:

....* by beard I mean pubes.

Monday, 17 December 2012

A lesson in christmas

It's that time of year.
You know, it's much like the year's period; you get all excited and happy just before, then you realise that you were excited for a reason, and that the reason is a bit shit. Because now there are things that you have to remember to be doing all the time, and you can't really go out anywhere nice, because things are always in the way, but you do get to wear some nice comfy clothes. And it's very stressful. And you have to buy things.
So Christmas is just one big old period.

I fucking love wrapping presents though - unfortunately, I have specific wrapping rules that I must follow. And yes, I am about to illustrate them.
First, no buying of presents is allowed before at least December, except in special circumstances, i.e, when I find something awesome that I want someone to have, but is too expensive for me to just rock up with it at theirs randomly.
Second. Try to do all present shopping on one day. This way I am completely aware of the money I am spending. Try to stay away from internet shopping. Always ends badly.
Third, chocolate presents must be bought after all other presents, to minimise temptation.
Four. Physically wrapping the presents cannot begin until ALL presents have been bought and are physically in the xmas present hideyhole.
Fifth. Wrapping paper must already be bought, as must tape, and scissors must have a known whereabouts. Ribbon must be used on all presents, and bows are one to a  person. NOT one to a present. Must have these prior to wrapping. Same for tags.
Six, the wrapping paper must be the same. No presents are to be wrapped in different paper. This means ensuring that enough paper is bought to begin with. Because chances are if there isn't, I will NEVER find the exact same paper again. This goes for bows and ribbon too.
Seven, if this does happen, then the new paper, ribbon and bows must co-ordinate with the old.
Eighth. Wrapping must be done on one afternoon.
Nine;  boxes are to be wrapped first.
Tenth and most important rule - presents must look neat and cute; there is to be no re-wrapping of a present, nor the loss of tags.They must all look perfect, otherwise NO-ONE gets their presents. That is all.

Saturday, 15 December 2012

Laptop, I love you

So from my last post you can tell that I've had a shitty couple of days.
Can't really be bothered to explain what the last post was about. Maybe it's sorted out now. Maybe living here won't turn out crap.I'm going to have to get my options open though, because I know that I can't go back to having nowhere to live.
Speaking of options, I've been thinking about my university and college plans, and I am really beginning to see how unrealistic they are. I mean, really, I don't think I'm going to be able to do particularly well in my Alevels this year; I just don't think that being in that kind of environment is going to help me learn anything. I know that I'm clever. But just not in that way. Not in the way where I sit down and write in an exam.
I fucking love college though; I'm around people my own age, right now in my life that's what I need because seriously lacking in the friend area at the moment because of the last year and not having friends because of him; not maintaining old friendships because of him. I think I need to stick with college to, well, basically compose myself, ready myself to face the world again. It's not so much about the work.
I think I know that I want to go to university, but I think more for the same reasons.
So maybe it's wrong to go to uni. For a start I really don't think I can work or learn in that way.
This really isn't what I wanted to write a post about at all.
I was going to talk about how I had more bike lessons today. Though that isn't all that interesting either.
What I really want to write about I can't because I know who reads my blog, and it's basically just about them, and it's pretty damn wrong of me to do the thing I'm doing and gosh it hurts, but maybe it can work. Kind of hoping.
I really wish none of you had made me think about all of that stuff that I am doing at the moment that was going just fine, because now it really isn't, is it. Because I had to stop and think and therefore mess it up. Yaay; once again I followed other people's advice instead of my own.

Well, anyway, I realised today that I substitute my laptop for a boyfriend - It keeps me warm at night, because I fall asleep with it in my arms, makes me laugh (oh LOLcats you are hilarious), listens to me when I speak (write this) and it's face (screen) lights up when I come home.
Much better than a boyfriend.... right?

Wednesday, 12 December 2012

Probably not.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find somewhere to live where I'm not told I'm crap all the time.

Tuesday, 11 December 2012

Five tips(:

I didn't mention yesterday that I made a phone call, on my own, without preparation.
I never do that. I get too freaked. I never answer the phone unless I know who is on the other end either.
Anyone who knows me knows about that.
Anyway, I had a good day - shopping in Basingstoke.
Got some xmas presents. And bought myself some stuff.
Because let's be honest, I'm a selfish little bitch.
And it's xmas so I can tell myself that it is okay.
But I don't feel like talking about my day. Mostly because Tesco have let me down and have NO CHOCOLATE ORANGES IN STOCK.
Which has clearly really upset me.
So I'll give you some interesting and useful tips
Bruises - If you have a bruise and you want it to go away quicker, soak some cotton wool in white vinegar and hold it against the bruise for about an hour. It will help bring down the colouring, and will heal it faster. Trust me, this one really works
Second, got smelly feet or fungus-y toes? Soak them in Listerine. It's all antiseptic-y and will help make your feet healthier.And it smells quite strongly. Similarly it can be used to help with blisters - which is what I tend to use it for because I always have blisters on my feet.  Because I never buy shoes that actually fit because I don't like people knowing just how small my feet are.
Third. Honey. Usually, I leave my spots because I'm a lazy fuck, and I pick at them during the day because I'm disgusting. But when I feel like I need to make an effort to get rid of them, I stick honey on them overnight. For a start it smells lovely. For another it kills bacteria and keeps it sterile. Be sure to stick a plaster over the honey covered area though - I learnt this the hard way and woke up the first time with honey all over my sheets and hair. It wasn't fun.
Four - I had to use this one yesterday. I got a small shard of glass - much like a splinter - stuck in my hand. It is pain free (and kind of fun) to cover the area with a runny glue and when it is dry, pull it off, and the splinter will come out too because it gets stuck to the glue. Don't use a cheap glue though, and make sure you clean it afterwards otherwise the glue will get inside you...
And fifth, when I have a sore throat, I drink lemon juice mixed with honey. It tastes really nice (I really like lemon though so there may be differences in opinion) and it really does help with a sore throat. It is supposed to boost your immune system or some shit as well.
I thought these might be some helpful tips, especially seeing as it is colder out, which tends to increase blisters, smelly feet, spots, cold and  well, i guess if you spend more time inside you are going to be moving wooden things in your house and getting splinters, or maybe headbutting mirrors like me. Which will mean you have bruises as well(:

Monday, 10 December 2012

Suck it up.

I felt very off this morning.
Not sick, not depressed.
Just like I knew that if I went out, I would be swallowed up by the world and wouldn't be spat out for while. So I took the day.
Yeah yeah, I shouldn't have done.
I didn't have anything important today anyway. Nothing I can't catch up on easily. Sort of.

Maybe it was because I got up on the wrong side of the bed... which is completely possible because I spent Sunday moving my room around here, and tidying it up a bit. I don't see an alternative to staying here. I guess what's going to happen is I suck it up and get on with it. Isn't that what I always end up doing?
So I added some 'me' to my room. The wallpaper is a bit... gaudy? Um, I dunno, It's very expensive - It's a light blue with a golden swirly leafy pattern thing on it. It isn't very me. I put some material over the window, so now you can't see into my room, and that corner looks awes.
Yesterday's post mentions breaking a mirror on my head - that was because I was being an arse and balancing it in that corner. After I cleared up all the small dangerous pieces (cutting myself twice in the process) I strategically places the larger pieces on the window sill, and it actually creates a great effect.
And now you know what I need as an xmas present...
I spent today relaxing. I dyed some of my hair, I cut another, and washed them all. Been waiting for the right moment to get around to doing that.
Did I mention on friday that I had a health and social mock exam?
Well, I did. Don't think I did very well. Mostly because my wrist was hurting the whole time. (I don't think I've mentioned before that I have an issue with my wrist at the moment. Really fucking hurts.) So when I handed it in I mentioned that my writing was slightly illegible at the moment. I got sent up to skills development and I'm going to have to have a laptop in my exams.
Was a bit pissed off with that. Not once have I ever had to have support with my academic side. Gotta just suck that up as well though. The bright side is that I am a million times faster at typing than I am at writing, and it's a million times easier.
I still feel funny.
I wonder if I'm losing my happy.
I guess if I have to ask, then the answer is yes.
That kind of sucks.

Sunday, 9 December 2012

My head

Today,  I was startled and hit my head against a door. I fell over in my room and slammed my head against my wall, and I knocked over my big ass mirror and shattered it with my head.
Today, was not a good day for my head.

Saturday, 8 December 2012

CBT plus a squirrel explanation

I have had just the best morning.
Basically, everyone knows that I have decided that I want a motorbike. Because they are fucking awesome.
So before you can have one, you must do a CBT. Which stands for compulsory basic training. Basically, you go down to wherever it is that you are doing this, and there are about six parts to the day.
First is talking about protective clothing, second is checking you can read the number plate, then you start learning about the controls of the bike and start it up and riding it slowly on a straight and stuff. After you've done a whole bunch of stuff on the bike you got part D where they prep you for the last part, checking you know your highway code and that you'll be safe on the road. The last bit is actually on the road, you gotta be out there for at least two hours riding around and not making mistakes otherwise you have to go back and do it again.
Lots of people don't get up to doing the part D. 
And after your CBT you can ride a bike and shit. You can take a full license. Which is made up of a theory test, a practical module one and module two.
So today I  went along to get a CBT and I was panicky because well, it's me; what the fuck do you expect?
I was a bit of a twat and dropped the bike at one point at the beginning because I panicked trying to go around a corner and I fell and the bike went on top of me and crushed my leg/foot.
Which kinda hurt. 
But I got back on, and did some easier stuff just to make sure I didn't get a complex over getting back on it. Then I went off for a well deserved fag and banana.
I improved so much since that though, and I'll be going back soon as I can to do some more lessons until I feel comfortable with going on a road.
Roads are fucking scary.

The instructors there today were absolutely lovely. I would totally recommend them. 
I just had a really fucking good time.
Which is what is better about bikes than cars -- lots of people do not enjoy driving. They don't like their lessons, and driving a car is boring. Bikes are just, they're fun okay.
Now I'm going to go and eat some terry's chocolate orange because they are dirt cheap at tesco today, and I've already done my healthy part of the day.

OH, and as a side note, a lot of you are confused about my last post - I know. 
It isn't supposed to be a proper story of any sort. 
Basically what happened was my friend was upset that I mentioned her in an earlier post here, about babysitting. She wasn't the main person that that was meant for, but she was well offended by this sentence that I wrote:
'I didn't fuck up, and to all of you who said that I would, or that you wouldn't trust me to look after your kids when you have some;;; Afuck Ayouu'

So I offered (jokingly) to write a post all about her to make up for it. And there was a conversation that day where someone called her a red squirrel. I don't remember the context. 
Anyway, I got home and didn't feel like working. Wanted to write but didn't, so I wrote that. It is the story of our friendship.

Fuck off it was fun.

And this is the third time you have featured in my blog now red squirrel. That's your code name now.

Friday, 7 December 2012

The red squirrel

I first saw the red squirrel one warm spring afternoon. She was all caged up with her friend in one weird room, where the Tamer wore full black and held a red ball of horror. He would stare at you through an evil muddy pool of eyes until you backed down, and the rest of the animals squawked and flew around the room. I left that day not knowing how to return. The red squirrel didn't say anything to me. But she was squibbling to her friend; 'She was too cool. She'll never come back'.
I did though. The late summer and nothing much was happening. I was thrown into that block of cages, pushed from one to another, and eventually I found myself in the same one as her. We didn't speak. Almost everyday we found ourselves within the same proximity. Eventually we ended up talking. Slowly at first. Then I shared my nuts, and then we found ourselves together more and more in the free times. There was a small group, and when we were let out every now and then, we soon found ourselves to be meeting up by choice. She was funny, nice; her fringe never left her face. 
Sometimes we 'borrowed' other peoples nuts and things without ever giving them back like we were supposed to.
We went to a gathering together; things got funny. There was crazy stuff going on. human rubbish on fire. Our perception was off from the refreshments. We ended up in a white room, where the humans were mean and we had to leave. We had to wait to be picked up, and by then the effect of the evening dawned on us. I'd rescued her from that crazy Tamer, but I hadn't rescued her from the other things in life. 
It was around this time that the black widow spider started attacking me again, and I couldn't salvage the happy times. She drifted and I fell. 
After some time we came back. It was gradual but she missed the nuts I shared with her. The stress of the tests of being able to get out of the cages soon got to us though.
We both passed well enough. There was a celebration afterwards.
We didn't see each other after this. The idea of freedom got to us, and we scrabbled to get out in our own way.
I was left alone for more than a year, but the little red squirrel went on with her funny little hats, and only recently did we re-meet. I bought her lunch and she shared her Doritos. I didn't realise I could miss a friend as much as I had done.

There you go. A whole post for you.

Thursday, 6 December 2012

Tesco-Ice cream-Hair dye

I'm still holding onto that happy feeling.
I don't want to go back and lose it.
I took the day off college today to do some stuff with my sister.
Included activities such aaaaas:
Boring morning stuuff
Buying lots of chocolate oranges for xmas stuff because they are dirty cheap now
Bought Ben and Jerry's ice cream for LESS THAN A POUND (How? How is that possible I hear you ask, basically, it was half price in Tesco today, and I had a £1.50 voucher off for it. So I abused it and it is going to taste so good when I eat it in a minute - atm it's too hard so I'm warming it up between my legs... (; )
We watched stepbrothers - because it is hilarious.
Nails done
Eyebrows fixed
Little bit of big bang theory and basically just a nice day overall

Unfortunately, my other sister didn't meet us ( the one with the baby, that I babysat last week because I'm awesome.) but I figure that it's okay because she went to a pantomime instead and I hear that was fuuuuun.
I dyed my hair this morning slash last night
It's pretty damn awesome.
Unfortunately, I had to get the dye off of my mum yesterday, which included me having to go to her house (which meant i could pick up my thermals though) and I had to go to Tesco with her (which is never fun - it's only fun with my sisters because they are fun.) and I had to help her dye her hair (which I 'accidentally' fucked up) and she had a go at me for smoking.
However, she didn't muck up my mood at all, because, hey, I'm still standing.
Okay, my ice cream is soft now so fuck off and let me eat it(:

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Lovely things

You know what's awesome?
When your day starts out great. It is a lovely day so far for me.
I'm writing this now before something messes it up, so that when I get home, maybe I'll re read this post myself, and I'll get this lovely feeling back.
I can actually pinpoint the precise last moment that I felt like this, and it is really sad for me to realise that it was more than a year ago. Almost two. It was before I finished secondary school. I remember that it was any other lunchtime for everyone else, but for me, I had had another shit morning because of my mum, and had had a crappy evening because of my brother. But I was sat there that lunchtime, in the sun, and we were laughing. It was before the exam stress had set in, and I was still fifteen. I felt warm and happy, and I wish I hadn't lost that feeling in the midst of my bad experiences.
And now I realise I lost it, because I lost my friends. Because of my hectic home life. Since that day, things deteriorated too much for me to be able to keep up a happy pretense, and my friends were left at the bottom of my thoughts. We broke up for the summer and all went our separate ways. I went off to a different college to most of them, and never managed to keep in touch much. I closed up and began the roughest year of my life.
At the beginning of this college year I didn't have very many people left at all. in fact, I think I only had my family and a couple of friends who stuck by me even though I treated them like nothing, because I felt like nothing. And now, I just feel like I have everything. I have the most amazing people in my life, and I wouldn't be here if it hadn't been for some of them. I owe them my life for many reasons.
I came about this realisation whilst doing some coursework, because I suddenly realised that I was smiling, and that it was because I am happy. Lots of stuff has happened to me, but I wouldn't be here if it hadn't happened, and I am a hell of a lot stronger for it, and yeah, I have done things I am not proud of because of that overpowering feeling of worthlessness. But there isn't anything I cannot overcome anymore. I think I have already overcome more stuff than most other people ever have to. I can either keep living in my past, or I can learn from it and do some great things. And that's the thing, I've heard people say that to me so many times, but only now, today, does it actually feel I really have that choice; to let go.
A giant weight of stuff has been lifted now.
I am free.

Unfortunately, the weight hasn't literally left my shoulders; my bag is fucking heavy today because I brought my laptop to college with me to do work that I haven't done now because I decided to write this instead. It's nice and sunny though.

Monday, 3 December 2012

Hate the blog - Love the tree

I fucking hate my kind of blog. Not my particular blog; mine is so awesome it shits flies every time you visit my page (see what I did there? because of my background... no? fine *sadface* bollocks to it. I'm fucking hilarious. I make me laugh all the time. Seriously, you should have seen me today. I was OFF THE WALLS.)
But yeah, after reading around some other people's blogs, I have found that some people just don't have my awesome natural talent for writing. Their blogs are just.... boring. And then I decided to go and read my own blog to see how mine compared... And I remembered why I never read over what I write down in this, what I like to call, creating space. Writing is creative.
Because I found that I really bloody hate everything I write. 
But I decided that I really am too awesome to be boring, and that I must hate everything I personally write because I... hate my own life? Yeah, let's use that reason.
Yeah no, I really don't like reading over what I have written (that being the reason for any and all mistakes I have made in posts) because I end up thinking over and over what I have written and believeing that it just isn't good enough.

And then I remembered that this blog isn't for you. Not really.
( by you, I totally mean YOU who called it boring. Yeah I know about that twinklepie; I tend to know about it when people talk about me behind my back.)

As a side note here, I fucking love my insults.

Yeah, this blog is for me. I like writing, and I like(d) having someone(thing) to tell my day about to, because whilst in my flat I totally felt alone most of the time, and being able to write and post it later on here made me feel a bit better. And now I've moved it still helps because I still have no idea if I can hack it here.
I am so confused about living here. Lots of things aren't what I thought they were going to be, and a LOT of the time I wish I still had my privacy and space.
I need my space from the world.
I'm not used to people being around me all the time, and I don't know how much I like it.
It is having strange effects on my time spent at college, and half the time I feel like I'm screaming inside. I have also noticed bad habits making a re-entrance into my life which I managed to rid myself of more than a year ago, and it is weird to think that I got through one of the worst years of my life (there have been many, but this last year, just, wow.) yeah, I got through the worst year without them, but something that was supposed to be a good thing has bring them flooding back to me.
But I feel like I should end this post on a smiley kind of note because it isn't as though I feel sad at the moment, I just feel kind of.. um, stuck I guess. Like held in. Caged up.

So the happy note you ask?
I managed to babysit my almost-eight-month-old niece for hours yesterday and nothing bad happened at all. I totally rocked that joint. And when my sister returned, I decorated her Christmas tree with the decorations she made and I painted else when. Here is a photo.
I am so fucking cool.

Saturday, 1 December 2012

Random shiiiiiiiiiittee

So hey, you're back looking at my blog again.
How was your day beautiful?

....I don't give a fuck about your day this is my blog about me. And how the hell do I know if you're beautiful or not? Get a hair cut loser.

I went to my sister's this morning, babysat my seven month old niece, was a practice for the really babysitting tomorrow. I didn't fuck up, and to all of you who said that I would, or that you wouldn't trust me to look after your kids when you have some;;; Afuck Ayouu.
Yeah, so then I went off into town with my other sister, we bought bras (well she did. I just stood around like a creepy lesbian or some shit) and then I went and bought BOOTS for when I take my TEST next week, for when I get my BIKE. Fuck yeah.
Went up to tesco, scared my friend who works in a shop up there and practically heart attacked her. I completely forgot that she hadn't seen my hair before. Was fucking hilarious. I almost pissed myself. In tesco I bought... nothing interesting for myself, just baby stuff for my sister. Observed a fun advent calendar related argument between my other sister and her boyfriend. They are fucking hilarious.
Then of course I go home (Yeah, I fucking call it home now BITCHES) and I remember that my room still hasn't been unpacked properly yet, so I thought, I should really get to sorting through all of my crap, and proceeded to sit down and watch Russell Howard's good news.

You know what the most hilarious thing in the world is? When you make yourself laugh. I do it ALL the time.  I sit and I think and then I just, I find myself so funny. And our society is so against being happy, I think, and it's just so sad because it means people look at me like I'm crazy when I burst out in happy laughter.
Which of course makes everything ten times funnier.

Anyway, yeah, did I mention I bought my fucking bike boots? I'm well excited. Can't wait until I have taken all my tests and have my bike so I can get going places. Fucking hate my town. It's so mundane and full of the same wankers as ever. 
On the bright side, I just found some tissues in my room that are black with skulls on them that my sister (the cool one) gave to me like four years ago that I never used because they are too awesome. Now I can waltz around with them and not use them. WOO.

It's so sad that this is my Saturday night :L