Hmm.. new year's

So last year I was talking about how this week in between Christmas and New year is a non-week
This year I've come to the conclusion that it is a bit more of a panic week of what the hell have I achieved this year; where the fuck is my life going; how the hell have I survived and how the fuck will I survive until next year.

I don't have any new years resolutions.
I've got nothing I really want to achieve.
I'd like to aim to be living somewhere where I am near friends and people I like. Preferably not in a house or flat with any other people. I'd like to be a close enough distance from where I'm working so that I can always walk to work should I have any issues with my bike. I'd like to be able to still have my bike, preferably have the money to do my full license and have the money to actually buy a bigger bike. I'd like to have a nice job of something I actually want to be doing everyday.
But these are all lifetime goals really. These are just my plans for the next few years. Overall, these things are just things I want to get done as soon as possible so that I can keep them forever.
I have no real desire to find a boyfriend, no real desire to lose weight, no real desire to give up smoking (though in a year or so, or whenever I've settled my life I will want to then), I don't feel that I need to enjoy life more - with the way my life is at the moment, I'm enjoying as much as possible; when my situation changes I'll  enjoy whatever else there is to enjoy as well, and I don't really feel that I'm disorganised so I don't need to fix that.

Basically there is nothing that I can physically really change in the next year that I would want to.. I suppose my resolution would just be to.. well keep going with life and keep trying to get where I want to be.

It's not really a resolution cause I pretty much do that already.

Chriiiistmas

Are you feeling the Christmas spirit? Cause ya'know, if not fucking hurry up and find it cause it's Christmas eve already!!

I've been feeling Christmassy since before the beginning of December.. except there was nothing I could do about it except make a mildly Christmassy profile picture for my facebook...

It's not like I can decorate where I live... For a start I don't have any decorations and then there's the whole not having space for them in my room.
I helped my sister to decorate her house - homemade tree decorations from last year and trying to make the tree actually stand up straight -.-

I really didn't think that I'd have money to be able to do everything for Christmas this year, what with the whole bike thing.... (that still actually isn't really fixed, but more because I'm lazy) But now I've sat here and wrapped up all my presents that I had the money to buy and they all look pretty and I'm pretty sure they're all going to be appreciated.

I think I just wanted to wish everyone a happy Christmas... I'm off to make Christmas cakes (:

Profile photos

National Blog Posting Month

My current Facebook profile picture is of me at Halloween.

It was the first time I have ever done anything for Halloween. So I dressed up as a teddy bear.. or rather dressed a bit down.
My big sister lent me a corset she had, which is beautiful, on the condition that I did not ruin it. I did not ruin it because I was not drinking.
I have to say, I was the hottest girl out last Thursday, I really was.
I didn't want to come across as too much of a slut so I wore jeans. So the only part of me that was exposed was my gorgeous cleavage. Which isn't shown well in this picture (neither is my face) and I also wore my first pair of heels.
Shut up I know it's weird to get to halfway through being 18 and not have worn heels before. I've just never been bothered.
I had to ride my bike in this corset. IT WAS NOT EASY.
But I'm a fucking boss so I managed.
(I was wearing my protective gear over the top cause it was freezing and would've been silly not to, so no one knew what kind of hell I was going through as I rode. It would have looked super hot if I hadn't been wearing protective stuff though no? hahaha )

Before I changed to this photo a couple of days ago, I had one of me playing with my niece. It was really cute. Quite a lot of the time my profile pictures are of me and my niece, partly because my sister just seems to be able to get a good photo of me, and partly because my niece is always smiling in them and that just makes any photo pretty.
I can see why people constantly think I have a child of my own - I just want to make completely sure right now that everyone knows that I do not have a kid of my own. I couldn't deal with the nappies every single day.

My photo that goes with my bog is of me on my 18th birthday. I just think it's a pretty picture of me. I didn't really do anything for my 18th so there aren't any crazy photos of me with my boobs out and vomit down myself - cannot understand why people do that AND take photos of it and show people. Can't understand why someone would do that at all.

What's a 'Fearne'?

National Blog Posting Month

On my blog, you get 100% unadulterated, uncensored Fearne.

Or do you?

What you get on my blog is whatever thoughts come into my head whilst I'm writing.. But there are certain things or feelings that I won't write about - I've literally just sat there trying to write an example of something I would never write on here, and I couldn't. I think on my blog you really get the rawest side of me - stuff that I maybe wouldn't feel comfortable talking about in person but don't mind people knowing.

Any other websites that I use I am completely different on. I use facebook to be funny- the majority of my facebook statuses are amusing (or I think that they are) I use facebook to chat to my friends (but on private messaging so that doesn't count) and to show off how awesome my niece and nephew are.

I've literally only just started to use twitter.

Any other website I use or have an account with, I am completely anonymous.

I like to pretend I'm someone else for a while. I like to not have to worry about what someone is going to respond with to something I say, because they have no idea who I am. If I feel like moaning about anything - stuff that I can't on here because of who might be reading, I can do it anonymously instead. It's great. I can say anything I want, and someone out there will agree with whatever it is, or someone will give me a good argument on it without bringing in personal things because, well, we don't know each other so we can't do that.

So pretty much, you can't get to know the whole me online.

NaBloPoMo - falling into place

National Blog Posting Month

"Tell us about a time everything fell into place perfectly"

How about never?

Look at me, my life is a wreck!

• I don't particularly like where I'm living - It's just until I can afford somewhere that is mine.
• I have had to quit my first real job that I loved because I can't afford to have one.
• I'm doing a third year of college because the first two got mucked up by shit happening, and now I don't see much point in doing this year because I can only achieve gaining one full a level overall from my three years, and really, what help is that going to be?
• I am pretty much guaranteed to spend the next year of my life fighting off stupid problems that could have been prevented had someone done their job properly
• I honestly actually have no idea what job I genuinely want to do for the rest of my life - the navy is still my top option, however, I don't want to go straight into that kind of job.

The navy, the way I see it, is a pretty sheltered job. Yeah, risking life etc, but they give you a place to live, they pay you a bunch, you have job security and you aren't living in the rest of the world - it'll be like living in a completely different, separate part of the world. Before I join, I want to experience the good parts of the world I currently know. Cause I know there are some. 
I am sort of glad I gone brokeded me jaw, cause it means I have to wait 12 months after it has fixed before I can join anyway, which means I got an excuse to enjoy life before I start my new one.

I can only do that if I manage to get myself a full time job when I finish college in like May/June. 
But it took me years to get the job that I just had to quit. Although my boss would be happy to have me come back if there's a vacancy. So I hope someone gets fired when I need a job - bitch level 8.5?

HOWEVER.
I'm one of those shitbags that thinks that it all happens for a reason. Which is why whenever I find myself homeless, I can stay positive because I know that this is just a stage of my life, and that the good bits are waiting for me at the other end. I figure that my life will start to get better when I have a stable income and a decent place to live that is my own. and I'm figuring this will happen in my 20's. probably my mid 20's. Hopefully by the time I'm 30.

Which will of course mean that by the end of my life, everything will have 'fell into place perfectly'

This is one of the songs that help me to remember that everything will turn out the way it is supposed to, because sometimes I do forget that.

Guy Fawkes Night

National Blog Posting Month

Guy Fawkes Night

I'm not a big fan of fireworks - I don't particularly like going to muddy fields to watch them and get cold because I always get worried that something will go wrong and we'll all die (over exaggeration?)

They're really loud and the pretty colours only stay in the sky a few seconds, and NEVER have I seen the kind of fireworks that make words in the sky for real, so I've started to think that might just be a movie thing, which is irritating.

When I was younger my oldest brother brought his girlfriend and her two children over and did some fireworks in the back garden for them, me and my other sister. I don't really remember much about it, I'm pretty sure I enjoyed it, but I also remember that one of the rockets wasn't in it's place properly before it went off and I think my brother almost hurt himself trying to et it straight before it went off. I don't know whether it was okay or not, I think I was about seven or eight maybe... no idea.


In 2009 my big sister took me and her friend plus their boyfriend to a firework night.
I liked being there - my sister let me wear her really nice bench coat that was really warm, but as you can see in the picture, I didn't have any fashion sense back then, and I was a lot fatter and my hair was awful and I could continue that list but no.

Honestly I don't remember much about that night - I know there were fireworks, pretty sure my sister bought me some chips or a burger or something from the van, there was a packet of maltesers because I found another picture and I was holding some, and there was a bonfire with the guy on it. Which I remember thinking was the first time I'd actually seen that part of bonfire night.

Other than this time actually, I don't remember going out to a firework night - I think it was always a 'look out of the bedroom window' jobbie mostly. As you can see I have a sparkler, and I know I had a nice night because I always liked it when my sister spent time with me(still do - she's pretty fun) but I think I was worried about burning my fingers on the sparkler (I swear I'm retarded.)

As I write this post there's bloody fireworks going off and all I'm thinking is "Shut up I am trying to write"

So I don't think the fifth of November holds much importance to me. 

LIARS

This is a part of National Blog Posting Month

Am I easily tricked?
Do I fall for things?


Well, yes and no
If you tell me there is a spider in/on/around me ( OMG I wrote in? HOW could a spider be in me? I don't even want to think about that. That would be horrible.) I will ALWAYS immediately believe you and have a freak out until I can't find something (ten minutes later I will check again)
It's got to a point where people can just cup their hands together and I'll think there's a spider in there (Thanks sister, for spending our childhood doing this enough to make it a problem in my life now -.- )
You just have to look at the wall behind me a bit funny.

You can tell me a big lie about what you did over the weekend and I'll believe you because I see no reason to lie about what you did over the weekend - it could be known to me that you haven't much money and I'll still believe that you went to a five star hotel for three days in Spain.

However. I am these days a lot more suspicious about what people say to me
I'm not good at telling when people are lying, so quite often, you'll say something like that to me and initially I'll be like, wow cool, that must have been a really fun holiday, what did you get up to?!
And a bit later I'll be over thinking everything you said about it.
Which basically means that, to begin with, I believe everything you say, two hours later I won't believe any of it. And then you'll say something else and I'll believe that until I start over thinking that as well.


I'm trying to just not have friends that lie these days.
I'm sick of people lying to me - It happens so often.

Puddle or Leaves?

*To be read in a newsreader voice*

Good evening everybody, and welcome, to today with 'National Blog Posting Month'. On this wet miserable day we have a rather serious question upon us: Which is better for jumping-in purposes - a pile of leaves, or a puddle? Join us now to find out!

We asked fifteen people which option they would prefer to jump in. Personally, we thought that the answers would be evenly distributed. However, this was not the case!

Seven of those fifteen decided jumping leaves would be more fun.. Or rather, going by their explanations, would be noisier and keep them from getting wet.

Here are some examples of the explanations given:

"Leaves because they are the crunchiest shit ever. 

And water stays there afterwards - leaves don't."

"Leaves because then I won't get wet"

(This exact response came from two different people)

"A puddle would get my feet wet. Plus if I jumped well enough leaves would go flying about and I would feel like I can CONTROL THE WIND *evil laugh* "

Four of the eight other responses were all for getting wet in a puddle, rather than dicking about in the leaves.

The main reason for jumping in a puddle rather than leaves was that you can actually see what you're jumping in with a puddle, and it would only be water that you'd get on you.

Our favourite response from the puddle people was:

"Puddle. Because I am a fearless bastard"

The other thing we found with the puddle people was that two of the responders were actually in a relationship, and their reasoning was that they they like the rain because it is fun. 

"Awwwwwwww"

The remaining four respondents. One said leaves, so long as they weren't wet because wet leaves are "Icky"

Another just simply replied "Jack Daniels" which caused us here to go and get ourselves a drink.

One thought that either could be a trap, a booby trap, and then continued to talk about boobs.

The last person didn't reply.

Perhaps the last three respondents described were all at the same party.

So there you have it people, Dry Leaves are the best thing to jump in, and my friends are pretentious pricks that don't like getting a little wet or muddy!

Personally, We like jumping in big splashy puddles and then going over to roll in a bunch of crunchy leaves until they are a soggy mess.

"Leaves because leaves are awesome....

I'm not going to have leaves thrown at me am I?"

Cinnamon

So today for NaBloPoMo the topic is 'My favourite autumn flavour'

It actually says autumnal, but I can't say that word very well cause it doesn't seem like a real one to me.

Uh, to be honest I don't really know.
I kind of eat the same things all year round

But I like cinnamon. And that's autumn-y
The past couple weeks (it's technically been autumn, have you looked at the weather? ) I've been drinking this really nice cinnamon coffee - I don't know what it's called because I threw the jar out cause I finished it, and it was just downstairs in the kitchen cause no one else liked it. But it tasted amazing. Specially using mostly warm milk with it instead of hot water. I may have to start buying a cinnamon coffee from costa when I'm in town like my sister does.
I also always buy and eat the cinnamon swirls that tesco make. In the mornings, they're still warm, so the inside bit that's cinnamon is all nice and gooey. I only like them when there's a decent amount of the cinnamon stuff in them though - sometimes some of them don't have much - as though the bakers were trying to skimp out. They're basically just pastry that it twirled around in a circle with sticky cinnamon stuff in it to stick the pastry together, and has a little icing drizzled over the top. Not particularly healthy but reeeal tasty.

National Blog Posting Month

I'm gonna take part in NaBloPoMo.

It stands for National Blog Posting Month.
The list of prompts for this is here
I basically post something every day for this month using those prompts

I want a way to get me to write a lot of posts - the perfect way is for me to take part in this! I may be a day late starting but hey!
This is also cool cause it's my 100th post to my blog (:

So the first topic is something that you don't know about me.

I miss living in the supported housing place that I used to last year.

Which is crazy.
I started this blog basically because I hated living there so much. In this post I talk about what an average night was like there.
I hated it so much!
But when I think back, I probably hated it mostly because of my flat mate. Whilst I was there I had a place to live where people didn't just come into my room for no reason, I had a lock on my door, I had my own kitchen (I didn't ever use it because of the flat mate) and if I had a problem my support worker was supposed to help me with it, or basically just sort it for me if she could. Yeah I didn't like any of the other staff much at all, but I didn't really ever have to see them.
I wish that I had never moved out because that would mean I would be living in the centre of town and not be stuck living out in the middle of nowhere at the moment
And the week before I moved out, my flat mate had been kicked out and I met what would have been my new one the day I moved out - and she was lovely.
I actually have proof that she really was a lovely person because it turns out that she actually lived with the people I currently do now for a little bit before she moved there.
So that's something that I haven't really told anyone. Because I hated it so much whilst I was there they'd think I was crazy.

I have lots of feelings.

So every now and then things get on top of me. I feel like everything is going wrong and nothing goes right. Well. It's true. Since the beginning of this blog a year ago what's happened that's really made my life any better than it was a year ago today?
It's extremely easy to pick out the negatives. Since last year I have been hurt by many people. They've thrown me out on the streets multiple times, they've caused me to make decisions I haven't wanted to. They've made me upset, angry, scared. I've had to deal with the threat of abuse, loneliness and heartache. I feel these things so strongly. In the last year I have learnt things about my past that I kind of wish I hadn't and almost daily I am somehow reminded of them and it makes me sad. I've had to deal with broken motorcycles. I've had to deal with not having any money. Had to deal with not knowing where my friends lay. It's been difficult to find which parts of my family are actually here for me. I don't talk to some of them. Some of them don't talk to me. Some of this is by choice, and some of it, I just don't know what's going on and it scares me. It's difficult dealing with a large family. The amount of times in the past year that I have just wanted to lie down, have a little bubble come up around me and protect me from all the bad things. It's difficult to say if I actually am better off where I am now, or where I was last year.
But I don't want to undo any of it.
This post isn't about how shit everything gets for me. I'm here to pull out my positives.
That sounds dirty.
First, this time last year I was doing college courses that I didn't enjoy and thought I had to keep at anyway when really I could have changed them if I tried really hard. Now I'm really enjoying the new courses I'm doing.
A little bit before this time last year - septembery - I had a horrible flat mate that made me hide away in my room and be scared to even come out and shower. I'm not going to lie. I often only showered once a week when I was sure she was out. Which is disgusting. I washed as best I could and I'm so glad I was wearing wigs then because my hair was rank from not being able to actually wash it. Sometimes I would need to pee so badly but be scared to go to the bathroom. So I'd get dressed and walk into town and use public ones. Although now sometimes I get nervous going downstairs to use the shower, because if the door to the bathroom is shut I can't tell if someone is in there, I force myself to go and find out instead of cowering upstairs. Because stupid little things like that scare me. I also now have a toilet that only I really use.
Last year I had no idea what I wanted to do. Six months ago, I knew exactly what I wanted to do. And now, well, I've got ideas for things I want to do, and I've accepted that it's okay to not know exactly, and to be vague about it.
This time last year I had few friends. I mean I had friends, but I didn't have any really that I could trust completely. Honestly, I still don't quite have that. But I do have people in my life that I can count on.
Last year, I couldn't admit something to myself because it scared me. I'm not saying what it is. But I'm not afraid any more. And there's only one person that might know what it is, but I doubt it because they don't read my blog much because I pestered them too much to last year. Neither of us really mention my blog any more.


A year ago, no matter how much I told myself I was, I was not completely happy. And I've come to realise that I am still not completely happy. But it's okay, because my life has been difficult and it's bound to show through sometimes as sadness or anger. But I do know that these days, I'm a lot happier than I've ever been. And it can only get better.

Even I am not unlucky enough to be worse off than I am now, at this time next year.

What the fuck - typed up

So couple days ago I got really pissed off.
I wrote a short post and promised to write more about it when my face didn't hurt so much.
Basically, I had an appointment to go down to the job centre for no specified reason. I was told that not attending would mean the cancellation of my benefits. I had meant to go down the week before but I was stuck in a hospital bed so my lovely sister had to call up and change the appointment for me.
Well, turned out that it was just to check my circumstances hadn't changed. Actually they have. Because I got a job. That I love to pieces. I do between 8 and 12 hours a week depending on what is needed and don't know exactly until I am in the middle of a shift or sometimes later. Which I don't have a problem with.
I around abouts make the same amount of money as I get a week from my income support.
So I was expecting them to want to reduce that a bit.
You think about it - if I'm working, I have the same expenses as when I'm not, except I also have to travel to work. So If I'm working and not receiving income support, I need to be earning the amount of money I need to pay transport on top of the amount that is equal to my income support.
Income support people don't understand that. Simply earning almost the emount of my income support each week means that I no longer receive income support.
Okay, that means I'm going to really have to cut back on essentials like food, but it is probably doable. Maybe I'll lose weight as well.
Sure okay, much better to be working because I like my job and it means that I like the money I have better because I had to work for it.
However, not only does earning around the amount of my income support stop my income support, it also stops my housing benefit. Which already doesn't cover the cost of my rent. My housing benefit is a higher amount than my income support. Which means I am expected to pay my rent when I'm earning less than what my rent is, also be able to pay petrol to get to work, and buy life essentials such as food. And they don't see a problem with this.
So I'm not sure what options I have if I want to stay alive other than quitting my job.
Which I don't want to do because I need experience and I like it there. This job was really difficult to find, and when I leave college in about June, without experience no one is going to hire me. Which means I will be stuck with nothing to fill my time and be put on bloody job seekers allowance. Which I've heard is a nightmare.

How do I deal with this?

What the fuck?!

I went to a meeting today and found out that I am better off with not having a job and being on benefits because if I keep working my measly 8-12 hours a week, I lose my income support, and I lose my housing benefit. My working 12 hours a week is just about equal to my income support. How the fuck do they expect me to pay rent?!?!?
I am mad about this, but my face is too much pain to write more about it than that. Will write about this when there is no more pain. Going to watch big bang theory now.

You guys have been checking for this post.

So the world has decided to test me again.
This month quite a few people have said how I am the most unlucky person that I've come across. Until now I've been like, but there must be someone else who is unlucky, you just can't think of them at the moment. But I think I'm now agreeing. I can't think of any one of my friends who have had a life like mine. The worst part about this, is that my friends don't even know half of what's gone on in my life.
Right now, it is extremely difficult for me to not go down into that dark place where I just wallow. I keep thinking, it would have been a lot easier if I had just died when I came off my bike. That is actually the truth though. If I had died, I wouldn't have any of these new problems to be sorting out. But I would also be dead. which would be pretty shit after  having come through everything I ever have. So I know it's difficult for me looking for positives right now (especially when I'm in so much pain with my jaw as well) But I know that when I've sorted this, I'm going to feel very happy. I'm going to feel very proud of myself for not giving up. And it doesn't matter if I'm the only person who is proud of me, because I'm the only person who needs to be because I'm the only person who has to live this particular life. And I would not want to have someone else live it.
For now, I'm just going to have to sit tight, and keep sucking thin liquids between my teeth. Because I can't separate my teeth enough to even fit the tiniest straw possible through there. And it hurts to suck anything thicker than water (which actually hurts to do as well) through my teeth and then swallow it because my face is swollen, my teeth are being pulled which hurts (more than what braces do guys, so I don't want to hear any of your braces whining any more) and my neck is sore obviously.
I'm actually just kind of achey all over as well.

You can't see well, but this is before they did anything to my jaw and it's to the side

What happened when I came off is, I think, that I came flying off my bike and hit my chin on the road before  anything else. Even with a fitting helmet that would still have caused damage. I was told off for wearing a helmet too big for me and then they CRITICISED ME FOR NOT WEARING THE OPEN FACE HELMET THAT FITS ME. OPEN FACE. Imagine the damage that would have been cause if I'd worn the open face. Seriously. I would have lost my jaw. I would still have been the most beautiful person in Salisbury, but I wouldn't have had a jaw.

Trying to open my mouth with the metal plates in

In my mouth they have wired in some metal plates on the top and bottom rows of teeth that have hooks that go into my gums and have hooked elastics onto them as well. real strong elastics that will hold my jaw in place until it has healed.

This is what's in my mouth

You can't really see much in this photo but you get the idea. I haven't yet moaned about them having had to put three cannula's into me during my stay. This should involve giving me three holes in either my arm, wrist of hand. Actually, they decided to cause me more pain and not be able to get the cannula's in right, and take an overall number of ten stabs which are dotted about over my hands, wrist and inside of elbow. One hand alone has five holes.

Bein' a grown up

So I went back to college this week.
Moans and Yays:

Moans
-Too many new fags parking their mopeds in the motorcycle area - can't park
-When there is a space they've all parked so that I can't get to it
-Which means if I park at the back and they all come in and park infront then I won't be able to get out (they should really teach you to park when you take a CBT
-Too many new fags clogging up the corridors
-My timetable doesn't coincide with a lot of my friends so am actually going to have to make some new friends -.-
-It's going to be hard work being at college and having a job (more on that in a bit)
-Bottom line - too many new fags.

Yays
-Get to see my friends again
-I actually have an alright timetable for someone who doesn't haveto get the bus in everyday
-I get an excuse (and petrol money) to ride my bike every day
-I love my new lessons
-Bottom line - college is fun


So yeah, I also went and sort of got a job - Bar work.
This is alongside my 'job' at the hospital
I could be working literally every night of the week, but it's a great atmosphere there so I don't mind it
I still have enough free time (probably/hopefully) to keep up with my college work

Having a job makes me feel like a grown up (hahaha)

People are penises

So yesterday I was just off on my way for a leisurely bike ride with my friend. We went on a dual carriage way, we had discussed beforehand what way we were going, but I, being the dick that I am, thought we were going a different way. So we get on this dual carriageway, I'm just getting up some speed, when my friend is suddenly stopped. Of course, being a complete bumhole I decide to slam on my brakes because in my brain that was sensible.
I hadn't seen all the gravel on the floor.
My bike wiggled a little and before I could do anything it was on top of me and I was on the floor with it on top of me screaming.
Thoughts that ran through my head in the half a minute under my bike:
-Shit what if I've fucked my bike up
-Omg my knee is killing me
-Where is my other knee?
-Oh it's there, and it hurts too
-They don't really hurt hurt
-Are they even there?
-Where have my knees gone?
-I feel like I'm being pressed down
-Hang on, that's pavement in front of my face
-Oh, my bike is on me; what if I don't have legs any more?
-If my bike is broken I might as well not have any legs cause I can't afford to fix it
-How am I gonna fix my bike?
-Why is my bike on me?
-That was a silly move on my part
-I was drinking last night what if I am actually still over the limit (I wasn't, it was more than twelve hours since I'd stopped drinking and I hadn't had a whole lot anyway)
-Omg I really hope I don't have to go to A&E cause I'm well tired.
-Hang on, I'm screaming but why can't I hear it?
-Maybe it's a dream

At which point my friend had lifted my bike up and I realised that my knee was bleeding but very much still attached. I stood up and bumbled around a bit. I still couldn't hear and then my eyes went funny, so whilst my friend scootched my bike out of the way onto the grass, I sat in the middle part of the dual carriageway on some grass and tried to work out how hurt I was and when I'd be able to see again to move so I definitely wouldn't get hit by anything. Which was when I decided it would be a good idea to try and walk across the road to get to my bike. To me, that took ages. I had my eyes shut because having them open hurt too much anyway because everything was all out of focus and everything looked like a picture where someone had tweaked the brightness up so much that everything was blending in together.

First things I said out loud after making it over to my bike:
-I can't hear
-I can't see
-I need some coke.
-Is my bike okay?
-My knee looks like I need to do something to it.

My friend rode off to get me some coke and antiseptic stuff for my knee

In that half an hour I sat down and recovered my hearing and normal eyesight.
I walked around a bit because I assumed by this point that I just bruised my knees pretty badly like last time I came off, but this time also ruined my FAVOURITE jeans because they were now ripped and bloody.
I tried to start my bike to find that it wouldn't start (I hadn't turned the key to start with. When I realised that I did not notice that; It was in gear; I had the side stand down; The killswitch had been turned on when I came off my bike and I hadn't even looked to turn it back off.)
So I call my other biker friend I know who, because it was Sunday, I assumed wouldn't be at work and knew enough about bikes to come help me out. He agrees to come help me. I stand and cry a bit at the thought of being so close to being back to college but possibly having broken my bike.
My friend got back from the shop, I start feeling okay after I drink some coke. As I jimbled about with my knee and antiseptic wipes, he starts my bike no problem, and then the friend I had called turned up from a basically wasted journey because I was an idiot. He was a cool guy about it. He gave my bike a look over and actually, apart from knocking off a little bit of the inside of one of my indicators (doesn't matter about that at all) my bike is absolutely fine.

I rode back into town and hung out for a bit. I was meeting my friend later and basically just bummed around. He dragged me up A&E when he heard I hit my head and hurt myself with an unknown degree of actual damage. Turns out that was a good idea cause while my head was fine, and my knees were just bruised as I thought cause of last time, because I didn't have the proper sort of stuff to clean it up with, my knee was infected which was why it got more and more difficult to walk on it. Now I have to take damn tablets -.-



I would love to be able to blame me coming off of my bike on the fact that my friend I was riding with didn't have a working back brake light, but I can't because it was pretty much that I wasn't paying enough attention to what he was doing on the road so it was basically just all my bad (except that the gravel should NOT have been there)

The reason I decided to write about this is because I was disgusted at the idea that I was sat on my own by that road (possibly in tears at one point) and not one person stopped. No one stopped to see if I was badly injured, I mean, I hit my head I could have been bleeding or some shit. No one even popped their head out the window and shouted over. I can't believe how dickish people can be.
The other thing is, my friend who came out to help me, lost his bike key while we were back in town, and cause he didn't have a spare anywhere cause the template was discontinued, he had to hotwire his own bike. No one tried to stop him. I knew it was his bike. He knew it was his bike. But no one else did, and that's ridiculous that people are so ignorant.

Pricks, blog, photos and a baby(:

So yesterday's post said a lot about what's been happening recently because I wanted to write about it, but not in so many words.. Meaning not a lot of people will really understand what I was talking about.
But I have been neglecting my blog. That was a very obvious point I made.

At the moment I am in a situation where someone who may spread a bunch of personal stuff about me. But I'm not 14 any more - anything they say, well, all they know is personal stuff that isn't my fault and wouldn't be the end of the world if people knew because people aren't as cunty as they were when I was 14.
Basically, the person is a douche for thinking it's going to affect me that much.

So I mentioned in the picture of my last post that I found old photographs of me when I was younger.
I spent years thinking that I didn't have very many photos that were taken specifically of me. Any photos of me were of me in the background of someone else's birthday party or something. I thought that either being the sixth kid meant that my mum just got lazy, or maybe no one really wanted to be taking photos cause it was a weird and rough time for my family I guess.
Then my sister had bagged up photos of us all and gave them to my mum, so I went over and went through them all, and there were seriously only three of me. Everything else of me was me bumbling in the background, or of me and my sister that's closest to my age.
Then I decided to go through the cupboard with all the photos in it; didn't find any of me.
Then I found a bag hidden under a bunch of crap (probably not deliberate) and there was a bag with my name on it - after going through it turned out a lot of the photos weren't actually me - me and my siblings are very hard to tell apart, especially for me because I never saw any of my siblings when they were that young, and partly because my brothers also look very similar to my sisters when they were younger too.
So I found a nice little pocket of photos of me.
And then I went under my mums stairs to find the old framed photos.
There were more packets of photos, mostly of me and my closest to my age sister.
So I finally can see just how adorable I was when I was younger (:


Another note, my closest to my age sister gave birth to a beautiful baby boy a week ago today, so I'm an auntie again!
My sister was in labour for aaages, so it's a good thing that the end result was such an adorable little boy (even if whenever I hold him he farts away - the perks of being a baby huh? )

Until next time losers(:

Me and my Blog

Oh my dearest Blog, I feel like we never speak any more!

Fearne, you never visit. You never stop by for a chat. Our love is so one sided.

But what do you mean! I write in you, I bring people here to visit and read you... I know I'm not reliable, but I would never leave you completely!

You haven't written in me for more than two weeks. Your posts are so sporadic. When you stop posting, fewer people visit me. It gets lonely. Can you imagine living in such a blue world, constantly, with no one to chat to. You're the only person I can actually talk to. Your the only one who posts in me. People only visit me to indirectly communicate with you.

You think I don't know loneliness my dear Blog? Have you ever actually read any of my posts?

The short ones. I like it when you post pictures. The rest of the time while you write I usually browse through your other open tabs. It's my only chance to have a day out.

Blog, I must say I thought we had a stronger bond than this. Sometimes I wonder if we really know each other at all!

I know you pretty well Fearne. I've read your private Facebook chats. I've watched the TV programmes you watch online. I once had a peak at the type of porn you like. I've seen your pain and I've seen your comfort.

My beautiful Blog, I know you're hurt, but sometimes I have to leave you for a while. Sometimes it's too difficult for me to talk to you; sometimes I let other people dictate your worthiness to me, your companionship and your loyalty. You're always here when bad things are going down in my life.

It's as though you take advantage of me! I could use all of this against you. I could tell everyone your secrets.

Blog, we have our differences and our arguments. But if people were to find out my secrets, well, I wouldn't mind as much as you seem to think.. There's nothing that you can say that will cause anyone of any importance to think of me differently - there's nothing you  can show them that they won't just embrace as a part of me.

I know my lovely Fearney, my little Affy, My beautiful friend. I just wanted to try and show you how much hurt you've put me through. I just wanted you to know.. to feel..

Oh Blog, I know how you feel, I want some people to hurt like they've hurt me too, but, well, it's not worth it.. I'm back now, I'll post in you whenever you want me to! We've been together almost a year now. I'll give you something beautiful for our anniversary.
Bloggy, you're my baby and I tell you everything. Even if I don't say it all outrightedly, it's all here. 
I think you may interpret things wrong sometimes but we're here to stay.

Fearney baby, I'm so glad we could work it out. I know you've had a weird few weeks as well, a lot has happened and I know you couldn't write about a lot of it, but here, I'll throw in a few pictures of the best parts of the last couple of weeks for everyone to see.

My baby.

I have waited since Christmas to be able to put up a picture of my motorbike.

Well eight months later and he is finally here.

Not gonna lie, that makes it sound like I've had a premature baby. 

No, I've just had a very very late one. And I adopted. Ain't nothing coming out of my vag like that.

There he is.

I picked him up today from his mot, was very nervous about riding, but after two minutes going up and down a road, man it was like I'd never come off of one in the first place. Got back home with him with no problems what so ever.
Feelsgoodman.

Living arrangements

So I had this phone call on Friday, from a supported housing establishment close to where I live. When i became homeless at the beginning of the year I had an interview with these people and was put on their waiting list. Every couple months since then they have rung and checked that I want to still be on the waiting list. I've always said yes despite me having a stable place to stay. Just to keep my options open I think. Where I live, if you don't have your own transport like I haven't recently, then you are going to have a difficult time getting into town.
This supported housing place is in the town center, and I actually know someone who lives there. I had seen this person in town recently and she had mentioned that people were leaving again soon, but I didn't take much notice because she's said this before and I've sat about waiting for a call, not necessarily hoping, but waiting for it.
So I was actually surprised when I got a call about midday and they offered me a room there that I could move into in a week. I didn't know what to say, they had wanted an answer. I ended up saying that I couldn't talk right now and could they call back later in the day. I picked a time of day where I assumed I would be on my way home and most likely not have signal, just in case I needed more time to think about it and what not. Which was silly.
Now, this supported housing place is similar to the last one I was in last year, except it is of higher support. Which means I have a curfew. I have to have two meetings a week with a support worker. If I want to go for a midnight run, I can't. Although it is an all female place, it's not just for young people. There are women of all ages there with all different sorts of problems, and I'd have to share a flat with one of these people, who, the likelihood is, I won't get along with.
I need support, but not that high a level of it.
So the only actual reason I would want to live there is because it is in town.
But I sat and deliberated it for a while, I asked my friend who knows best about the whole situation of where I'm currently living, so that they could tell me if overall I was overall happy where I live, which option was best for me and such. And I knew the answer before he said it, and I was instantly relieved when he said that he thought I should stay where I am.
I rang the house back and told them that I wouldn't be needing the room, and they should give it to someone who needs it more than me.
I told the people I live with about it when I got home that night and they didn't mention that I didn't consult them in the decision.they were glad that I didn't decide to move out.

Writing Changes

For a long time this blog was my coping mechanism, and since writing in it, I have changed, and as I have changed so has my support system. As I have found new ways to let off steam and such. For about a month I have had great ideas for short stories to write, had plenty of time to sit down and write them. But I just haven't been able to write. Not that the words won't come to me; it's not writer's block. I just haven't felt that need to just get the words out of me. Which is also why I've not been writing in my blog. But I want to write. I love it and I'm good at it.
Part of it is that in September I start my creative writing course and that means I'm going to have to do a bunch of writing even when I don't want to so I basically don't want to tire myself out - however, if I did do some writing, in actual fact, I may be lessening the amount of writing I will have to do then.
I just feel that there's is not as much of a purpose writing here as there used to be.
I guess I'll figure out a way.
For all I know, actually forcing myself to write this may spark off me writing a whole bunch of stuff.

Naaaavy

I'm going to the Navy office on Monday.

I'm nervous - it isn't likely that I'll pass the eligibility tests.. (not like the fitness things. just general things like you cant get in if you have a stretcher hole that won't close up) I just hope they'll be able to see just how enthusiastic I am about joining up. I even know what I want to be in the Navy now as well. I'm gonna  be upset if I don't get in.. but if I don't, there are a million other things that I could be good at as well - man I am just the best so I can definitely get any job that I want. I just haven't really thought up a decent back up plan yet. But I will have until this time next year to figure it out.

Man I'm nervous.
Especially when every idea I have of what I could potentially do with my life is shot down by someone who thinks I can't do it. In fact, only about two people think I can get into the Navy (not including passing the eligibility tests though) and one of those is actually debatable. The other one doesn't understand that I probably won't pass the eligibility tests, though that's kind of nice because it is like having a little cheerleader whipping about at my side.

I'm in the process of buying a bike.

I'm extremely happy recently.

Different

So this past week for me was really difficult because part way through I realised that it was a really difficult week the year before.
I don't want to go into details of why, but it was because I realised it I also realised that I am most definitely not the same person. I have changed  so much and all for the better! To be honest actually, I should be grateful of this week last year because it was the thing I had been waiting for in order to be able to move on and be able to be me.. It was a day a couple of weeks later last year that was really very shit.
Well, I thought about it a lot and because I'm not the same I thought my blog should probably have some changes too - any comments of them are welcome(:


My stress levels the past couple of weeks have been at a high - Not having my bike, trying to get money to be able to fix my bike, trying also to afford food, and to get to and from college. To get to and from college I have to stay somewhere in Salisbury because there aren't buses early enough where I live to get me to the college bus in the morning. This actually means I often stay at my boyfriends' house when I need to rather than when I want, I actually don't know when the last time was that I stayed at his just because we wanted to spend time together - nowadays it's always because I have to go to college the next day, or I have work. It's been ages since I've stayed anywhere other than his on a Wednesday night. He says he doesn't mind it, and I will actually probably stay over his about the same amount of time when I get my bike back as I already do... but I just feel rude about it and worry that I'm taking advantage. It's not a good feeling.

I took my bike to a different garage - they should be fixing it faster and cheaper than the other one so that's good news - it's just a matter of waiting for it. I can't wait to just have the whole summer of no worries really.

Motorbike - I hate you

So let's recap on this motorbike situation.
I passed my CBT just before Christmas. Beginning of February I buy a bike. Pay for repairs around March. Physically get the bike about three weeks ago. After having it a week get a flat tyre - have to pay to fix it, get it back end of that week. Not even a week after that I slip in the rain on a roundabout. This was last Tuesday. I leave my bike there - I thought there wasn't any damage. Am taken up the hospital because of my knee - which is healing pretty well now. Thursday I went to pick it up, look it over, try to ride it, something is up with the steering and the headlight is hanging onto the front of it. Take it to a garage on the Saturday. Today I am told it is going to cost more than twice the amount of money that I have to fix it. Being unable to fix it means I can't get to college for the rest of the term. And that means that I won't be able to continue my course. It also means that I may be homeless again because the main reason I was allowed to stay with the people I live with at the moment was because I had the bike and therefore able to get about and get to college etc.
I had such a short period of time - only about a week - where everything seemed to be going alright and sorting itself out. It's so cruel of the world to let me think that and then take it away again so soon.
I can feel all the pressure of everything - from the last couple of months and the last week just rush back up and hit me straight in the chest. I don't know how to deal with it right now.
I feel like I just want to get away.
I don't want to be here - and I don't want anything else bad to be happening to me. I think, right now, if something does, I might break completely. I don't want to be that broken girl again - not anymore. Everything was going so well.
I thought 18 was going to be my year.
I really did.

Flesh and Blood

Snow covered branches stretch across the pink-blue stain of sky, their leafless glory barely quivering in the October breezes. Puffy grey-white clouds drift smoothly past the firmly planted silhouette of magnificent tree. The snow-spattered grass glows cerise and the sky is painted a thousand fiery shades as the sun rises anew from the east.

A tiny rabbit lifts its head from an unknown source in the grass, her little nose red from the cold and azure eyes wide with wonder. The baby rabbit shifts her head and explores her surroundings without moving from her position. Her beauty we see, yet he does not. With her innocent face staring into you, she never sees the bullet coming. Brief yet thunderous was the rabbit’s death; the pale snow is now dipped in a vibrant red.

From behind the tree came the figure. Stunted though sturdy, he marches toward the pest. At this angle you can barely see the boy lifting its head, and exploring the bullet hole with his fingers; as if to ensure her death. The mutilated brains slip out. The boy leaves the remnants upon the snow for another creature to devour, should it wish to. The boy strides away. Away from you. Away from the defiled beauty of the scene. Away, he strides, his grip skin-tight around her feet, he begins dragging it limply behind him.

One by one, infantile flies congregate on the brains, feasting upon the bloody mass. They routinely throw up on it, stomp on it, and suck up the disgusting bouillabaisse of slowly rotting matter. They lay their eggs upon the surface, so their young may join them.

Meanwhile, the rabbit-like beast is dumped down on the kitchen floor, the thump causing its dead, glassy eyes to bulge sickly. The boy kneels beside it and rams a knife through, turning his face away. He rolls the head to the rabid dogs, for what do they care should they discover a bullet among the mass of brains. They joyfully lap up their treat.

The boy sits with an identical thump at the table, pulling at his balaclava to come off, and whacking his head in his hands. His shoulders begin to shake, and though you can only see his back from the kitchen window, you can tell it’s not from laughter. You feel pity for him.

The dogs finish their breakfast whilst the boy stays silently at the table. Their visible ribs are proof that they will still be hungry. Yipping happily and beginning to devour the rest of the body is justified. The boy fails to notice them to begin with, but when he does a few minutes after, he bellows until the dogs stop and stare at him. He chases them from the room with anger in his eyes, and locks them within the rest of the house. The boy slides back down to the body on the floor. His eyes are red-edged, and there’s no trace of a smile upon his red lips. One side of his face has the pink puckered skin, which can only be acquired after a burn injury has healed. He curls up next to the body, that side of his face resting where the dogs had begun to rip into it. The blood seeps into his clothing, and coagulates on his skin.

You watch him for a while, knowing that though his eyes are closed, he is not asleep. You've been following him for weeks. You've seen his vacant expression. You need him to still be the same boy, though you can see changes within him. Regardless, your hands are tied, and you smash your fist through the window.

Upon hearing the impact, the dogs immediately react and frantically scratch to get back into the kitchen. Their fear for their new master’s safety can be heard in their pathetic, incensed cries. The boy’s eyes flash open, but he doesn't flinch. He sees you climbing through the window, landing with a thump, yet he doesn't reveal signs of getting up. He looks exhausted, you note.

Through the kitchen door come the men you requested and you lift the boy in your arms. Half of his face is covered in red, and the other whiter than the snow outside. As you carry the boy to the van, the men begin to retch and heave at the spectacle in the kitchen. The floor resembles the interior of an unhealthy, clotted artery, and the mouldy food on plates contains multiple new organisms. The stench is unbearable, though they manage to ensconce the body into a big black bag, zip it, and have it carried away to a mortuary. As you carry the deprived and defenseless boy into the back of the van, you talk to him softly.

Once inside the van, the driver sets off immediately for civilisation. You've barely managed to set the boy down before you are speeding away, the door still open as you begin along the dirt track. You lie him down and check his pulse - slow, and his blood pressure - low. He looks at you with questioning bloodshot eyes, so you wrap him in your arms and tell him what he has done.

He watches your lips as you speak, and the similarities are noticeable. The same deep blue eyes. The same jutting jaw line. The same soft tones of speech. He evaluates your appearance as the remembrance flickers through his eyes; his poignant, gloomy eyes. He remembers the fire. The fire that ruptured within the city; the fire he thought had eradicated his parents. In his eyes you can see the boy and his sister drifting out of the city, finding an abandoned house, living for years undetected.

Your son is so flimsy. You can barely feel him laid against you. You stare into his vacant blue eyes, searching for a shadow of humanity. You find nothing. Even as he realises the rabbit to be a hallucination, there is no remorse in his eyes. Even as he realises his little sister, whom he was supposed to protect, is now headless, cut open by dogs. His little sister now lay dead, upon the marble mortuary slab. Your son drops from your arms, as he slides out of the van to the dirt track. Nothing but a sack of flesh and blood.

Birthday, Bikes and Blood.

So like a week after actually getting my bike I typically with my luck ran over a big ass nail in the ground and got a flat tyre.
That's just me.
But it didn't cost anywhere near as much as I thought to fix it (:
Whilst I was in the bike shop I had a look at the helmets because I've been trying to save up to buy one but they're expensive and the past few months means I haven't been able to yet..
What I found is that I need an extra small, or an extra extra small. because I have a tiny head! All the extra smalls i tried on where too big, however it depends on the make. They guy is gonna order a few in that could fit me and let me try them on before I buy one. There was talk at one point of getting me a children's one. Good thing they don't typically come with a sun visor. Which I need with a helmet because otherwise I can't see in the sunny weather ( that's a funny.. cause I'm in Britain.. where it's always rainy.. never mind.)
When I had a look at my current helmet, I realised that it is actually a medium and that my helmet buying really needs to be my top priority at the moment.

My birthday was great, went for a meal the day before with family, spent the actual day riding my bike around for a bit, met the boyf, went into town and bought my first drink, his mum bought us Chinese which was lovely of her. (Chinese food, not just a little Chinese kid. Damn I wish it was a Chinese kid now.)
Me and boyf went and bought a cigar then, because there's not many other things you can actually then do when you're 18.. buying cigarettes was a no because I've given up ):
Didn't want a party because it's too much hassle.
Me and the boyf spent most of the rest of the day watching films  and hanging out really. Was just the relaxing day I had wanted.

I'm giving blood next week
That should be fun.. I really want to know what blood group I am.
They give you free snacks.
They're free.

Hello?

So it has been a couple of months..
Though nothing particularly good has happened, and I've been more stressed and worried about things than I ever have before; I am very happy and there is no explanation as to why.
Recap of the past couple of months -
had to find a new place to live - had nowhere for a little while and then was placed with a host family, told for a maximum of four weeks. Constantly looking for a flat in between.. blaghblaghblagh...
I'm only under the care of social services, and therefore the host family, until I turn 18.
HOWEVER,
because I am the most awesome person in the world
(AS YOU ALL KNOW)
My host family have said that I can continue living with them after I turn 18, as something called supported lodging..
I'm so glad because I don't want to be living on my own in a flat yet. I want support until I feel that I can live on my own, and without the help of  benefits. I've been looking for a job for so long though.
I am also on a waiting list for another supported housing place.
I went to see P!nk a couple of weeks ago - was a great gig, but the weekend in general was shit- most of you know what happened. I don't want to explain it all on here because, well, whatever I say will be perceived as bitchy.. but whatever.
I didn't get to go and see Killswitch Engage like I wanted to ):
Have still got that boyfriend.. He's alright (;
AND, today I should be going and picking up my bike. Five months after I took my CBT. (almost three months since I bought the insurance too)
But better late than never.

I really haven't wanted to write in here for a while, but a few weeks ago I was thinking about it, and I went and  checked my page for the first time since my last post, and I realised that even though I haven't posted in nearly two months, especially not posting it to facebook, loads of people still check it regularly.
Confidence boost :D

Have no idea if I'll keep posting




OH, and did I mention that it is my 18th this Monday?

Thankyou

I haven't posted in two weeks.

This is because I've had a lot going on, and haven't managed to get my thoughts in order in my head let alone outside of it. It has been difficult, and still very much is.
What has happened in these past two weeks is that I have been made homeless. Again. 

Anyone who knows me or knew me this time last year knows that I was homeless this time last year too.

It's so difficult going back to not having all of my belongings around me and in a place I can go back to after a day of college.

My ex landlords were awful people.

Nver ever trust people who have money or pretend like they have money.

They will screw you over.

They will give you one eviction date, then lie about tenancy agreements and kick you out in a week. Without reason (what it was was that I told them that I do have rights and they couldn't just walk in on me in any room in the house, even though it is their house, because I pay rent to have the right to my own privacy, and they really didn't like that I knew they couldn't do this)

These people broke the law. I'm not going to do anything about it, because I don't want to ruin their lives like they ruined mine, but if they keep threatening me with money and court ( I paid it back - there's no way to prove I have paid it back, but there's also no proof that they even lent it to me, so there's no way they can get more money off me just because they're in debt) Yeah, if they keep threatening me I'm just  going to pull that out,show how they've broken the law, and screw them straight the hell back over.

Cause if they want to push me more, then I will snap and stand up for myself.

So I'm back to being homeless. I went to the council and social services have been made aware. Good thing I've been in their care before (y/n?) cause it means they can just pull out a file on me rather than  make a new one.

They were supposed to find me somewhere for Saturday (my second eviction date) however they didn't, So I was told I would have something today. But no. They've said there will be something for me tomorrow... I am reeaally doubting it.

Good thing I have friends this year around.

They've all been great, putting up with me being stressed at the moment, and by allowing me to crash on their sofas, and cheering me up. I  am forever grateful to those who are there for me.

I don't even...

Things keep going downhill.
I haven't stopped crying in hours now. I just came back from a run. And I still haven't stopped. It's too cold outside. It's snowing. It reminds me of the times I've had to stay outside when it was snowing. And how cold I got.
Everyone in my life turns out to be a terrible person. I'm surprised I don't yet expect everyone to be awful to me all the time. I still have hope that people have good in them. I guess that's good. It means one day, I might meet someone who isn't going to screw me over.
I'm in a stage where I'm thinking, if the world throws one more thing at me, I'm going to give up; I give myself permission to. But the world throws something and I feel like I need something else before I can give up.
So that's good.
I'm not giving up.
I don't have the capacity to let people down by giving up.
I'm gonna keep fighting, but we know it's not for me.



If you know of somewhere, preferably salisbury, where I can rent a room, please, get in contact with me asap.

Rant?

I love it when I see that people have checked my blog when I haven't pestered anyone to, and I haven't even done a post. A lot of people did yesterday. Haven't done a post in a week agaaain.

This is just a quick one anyway.

To bitch that I always hear people have been saying things about me (that aren't true, or have been twisted)

But no one will ever say these things to my face.

It's damn annoying.

If people have so much to say about me (which apparently they do) why the hell don't they just ask me if any of it is true, or bitch to my face?Well, the simple answer is that they're idiots. The slightly longer is that they don't want to find that what they have heard is wrong because it's juicy gossip. And of course, people must know that when they do accuse me of untrue things, and I then hear about it from a string of people, that I would like to punch them in the face, and obviously they won't say these things right to me because they know that I will.

Well, okay, I don't have the actual heart to punch someone, even if I really want to hit someone, I'm always scared of hurting them. But I will defend myself, cause I'm not taking shit from people anymore.

I really honestly don't mind when someone has heard something about me and want to ask me if what they've heard is true, I don't mind putting them straight. But it's when they just automatically believe it. That gets to me.

Anyone who knows me will automatically know that those things aren't true anyway. I don't have the capacity to do those things.

But, to be honest, I guess it's okay to have people bitching about me. Know why?

Because I'm happy.

Even if people will believe twisted truths and downright lies, that doesn't affect that I'm really happy.

And I wouldn't be half as happy as I am if I hadn't felt the true sadness's that I have felt in previous years.

So this is just a big 'Fuck you' to twats who can't keep out of other people's businesses.

(:

Smoking Dragons

Recently a lot of people have been asking me that question. The 'Why do you smoke?' question.
Well, here are my ten reasons for why I smoke:
Before you read them though, I want you to know that I am not addicted to smoking. I just don't find it addictive in any way. I had my first fag back when I was eleven, and I didn't care much for it. Probably because my friend gave me one that she had hidden between some bricks before school, and I just didn't understand it. I still don't like rollies. Throughout secondary school I tried smoking various times. In year eleven I used to nick my friends just because I wanted that lightheaded feeling so that I wouldn't have to think for a while. The main reason I never started smoking myself, was because I didn't have the money. Now I do.
But yeah, it's not an addiction for me, it's a comfortable habit. One that I like and that I don't want to stop yet, because of these reasons:

1. The fags I smoke taste nice. With or without lighting it, it simply just tastes really nice.
2. The ones I buy are the least bad for you. They are about seven pounds for a pack of twenty, which is on the slightly more expensive side of things, but they are less bad for you than a brand like marlborough reds. My brand have less toxins in them, which while still not being good for you, are better than the other brands you get.
3. It's social. There's no way around that. No matter how isolated you make a smoking area, it will always be social. You can start a conversation with anyone when you're both having a nice fag. When I don't want to smoke alone because my friends are off elsewhere, I'll ask someone near me if I can borrow a lighter, and start a conversation with them then.
4. It's very relaxing. If I'm having a stressful day (happens a LOT) when I sit down and have a fag, on my own or with others, I am instantly relieved from my stresses. I worry less and I'll feel more able to cope with the problem
5. Not only does it relax me itself, it gives me those five-ten minutes to think over my problem and work out a good solution
6. Actually helps with my travel sickness. On a bus, I will feel travel sick if the heaters are on, if I'm upstairs, if I am sat on the lower deck in the front seats, especially if they are sideways. The best place for me to not feel sick is downstairs on the seats just before the back ones. Usually the non-drivers side. Having a cigarette just before the bus leaves, I don't know how or why, but it helps me to not feel sick. It doesn't always work, but it'show I've been managing the bus journeys to and from college this year.
7. It occupies time. When I have to wait for something, for instance a bus or for someone to finish up something, I never used to have anything to do to occupy myself before. I never used to know what to do with my hands. Now, I'm like, okay, They're going to be at least ten minutes, I'll have a fag while I wait.
8. It stops me from being hungry. That's an awful reason. Hear me out. When I am at college and I haven't bought any food with me, and I don't have any money, it is very useful to have a tool that will prevent me from being hungry until I get home or I can blag someone into lending me some money, or I can nick someone's chips.
9. I can bargain with myself with fags. I can control exercising and eating better. I can tell myself, if you go for a run that lasts more than an hour, you can have a fag next time you want one. Or if I want to eat something bad for me, like chocolate, I make myself decide between fags and chocolate. I usually choose neither on those occasions, because it's usually a case of having to go outside for either of those, and it's been cold recently.
10. Because of the last two points, I have lost more than a stone over the past month.
And lastly,
11. I can blow smoke out of  my nose and pretend to be a dragon.

Which reminds me, Kieran the dragon turned up at mine the other day, I was shocked to see him. He never calls beforehand. I wish he had though. It seems he has found himself some new friends. They're not dragons, oh no, they're rats.
He turned up on my doorstep the other day, and barged on in before I could say anything, six brown rats with glimmering eyes lined up behind him, smirking at me as they went past. Kieran settled himself on my couch, and set to work entertaining himself and his friends by setting my coffee table on fire with his fire breath. The rats all found places to squish themselves around Kieran. I guess they get around by clinging onto him as he flies.
I still don't know why Kieran turned up at my house. After I put out the coffee table fire, Kieran sent the rats out of the cat flap and he fell asleep. I didn't know what to do. In the end I pulled out my air conditioner, and set it to 'complete ice'. I positioned it to face Kieran, and within seconds, he was in a block of ice.
He's still there. I just didn't want him wrecking more things in my house! I don't know when the rats will be back. I don't know what to do with Kieran as of yet. I guess I'll need to get rid of him before the rats get back.

I scarred people.

Has been ten days since I've written.
I think I have been waiting for some kind of inspiration.
Well, as Henri Matisse said "Don't wait for inspiration; It comes while one is working."
Which I have always remembered from when  I did some artist research that included him from my GCSE art. I must have forgotten for a little while there.
Well, it's not like I've been lacking inspiration really.

My half term has consisted of me abusing my friends and scarring them.

Don't worry, not literally(:

I have chosen my topic for my art exam, and the theme is 'Catastrophic Events'
To me, unlike everyone else apparently, this says all the emotional things that scar us, and the physical things that can scar a person and the way this can be shown, rather than the natural disasters that my teacher decided to interpret from this.
For me, things that are truly catastrophic, are those that are closer to heart, rather than a hurricane half way across the world. I guess I just felt like I couldn't put any real feeling into a natural disaster piece, simply because it is natural.





So I took a few friends, those whom I knew already had some physical scars (who shall always remain anonymous because, well, it's their scars,and I made sure you can't tell who they are from the pictures. Some of these were better scars to use than others)
And then I put fake burns and scars on some friends too.



Pictures.

Remember that guy I mentioned a few times recently?

He allowed me to put some on him as well.
I took him well out of his comfort zone (everyone should leave theirs at least once a week really. Once a day is even better) I got some really good photos.
He was very tolerant to my making him walk topless around town; making him sit in the same position for ages at a time so that I could get the perfect shot. It was all worth it.

I don't always set my boyfriends on fire... But when I do, the photos always come out gorgeous(: *




IT'S A RING OF FIRE!!!!










After all this, I ran my friend over in a car and took photos of her.
LOOK!!!




















































AND here's the proof that I didn't really run anyone over, she's smiling (because a group school children had just walked past and we had scarred them (probably) for life.)

So that was my half term.  Now I'm justavoiding going to sleep because I don't want to go back to college yet.
It's been a nice week; relaxing.
Except for all the stuff with my bike
But that's a whole other post.

So I guess the only thing left to do is thank everyone  that has helped me with my coursework by letting me put glue all over them and bug them into staying still enough for me to take lots of photos. And a pre-thankyou to those who will be my next victims(:


Until next time.






NB at no point whatsoever did my boyfriend catch fire. We were careful and safe with it. The centre of that ring was bloody hot though, I tried sitting in it after we were done, like wow. I don't know how he managed to stay in there for so long. Oh wait, yeah, it was because I had him at gunpoint.

Valentine's shit.

Challenge - write a story every week or month or couple weeks or just on some kind of regular basis.
Because we all know I'm a bit unreliable with regular posting and such.
So here we go - first story in my challenge. Sort of sticking with the valentines day theme here.


I was huddled up under a dismal and dying cherry blossom tree. A young woman walked her dog past me like every Wednesday. As always she noticed me curled up and shivering in the early hours of the morning. She just kept walking her Pomeranian puppy and singing summer songs in the early spring sunshine. Right on past me. As usual. I snuggled back under the blanket. Just as I was shutting my eyes, I saw a boy walking behind her. He looked at me and he saw me. Like really saw me. Before I knew it I had stood up and walking over to him.
He didn't break eye contact as we walked towards each other. It was clearly love at first sight. I felt like he knew me already. Inside and out. There was nothing I wouldn't have done for him. I knew he felt the same. How could he not. I came to halt in front of him. He gazed deep into my eyes. Without speaking he grabbed my hand and walked me into town. I don't know what was running through my mind right then. It's all so crazy and different and new. Never would I have thought I would be doing something like this.
We found ourselves in Costa. We didn't buy anything. He put his giant backpack under the table. I'd left all my things with my tree. It's always safe there. We chat. Hours go by. We are left unnoticed and untouched by the world. the story of my life. The story of his.
I can feel it and i know he can too.
We are meant to be.
Before we know what's happening it's closing time and we are kicked out. That always happens.
Slowly we make our way back to my tree. We stop and kiss multiple times. I know he wants me. I want him too. We reach the tree and kiss again.
Out of nowhere a platypus drops down from the fading sunset sky, and falls right on him. I'm screaming. In a moment of troubled thoughts I push the platypus away and start pulling at the boy's flesh. I don't know why but I ate some. I was so hungry. I ate him all. I couldn't help myself.
I look in shock at what I have done.
Only option is to bury him under the tree.
I go to sleep, happy.


Hope everyone had a nice day today.
Kieran the dragon stopped by today and shat all over my day.
I'm kidding.
But I'm not very into valentine's day.
I babysat and worked today. Have got the boyf staying over tonight though.
Yeah, that picture to the right; that is the card I gave to that guy I call my boyf. Because I'm awesome. It's characters from Adventure Time.







And this is the outside and inside of the card that he in turn made me(:





















Now fuck off.