Friday, 18 October 2013

I have lots of feelings.

So every now and then things get on top of me. I feel like everything is going wrong and nothing goes right. Well. It's true. Since the beginning of this blog a year ago what's happened that's really made my life any better than it was a year ago today?
It's extremely easy to pick out the negatives. Since last year I have been hurt by many people. They've thrown me out on the streets multiple times, they've caused me to make decisions I haven't wanted to. They've made me upset, angry, scared. I've had to deal with the threat of abuse, loneliness and heartache. I feel these things so strongly. In the last year I have learnt things about my past that I kind of wish I hadn't and almost daily I am somehow reminded of them and it makes me sad. I've had to deal with broken motorcycles. I've had to deal with not having any money. Had to deal with not knowing where my friends lay. It's been difficult to find which parts of my family are actually here for me. I don't talk to some of them. Some of them don't talk to me. Some of this is by choice, and some of it, I just don't know what's going on and it scares me. It's difficult dealing with a large family. The amount of times in the past year that I have just wanted to lie down, have a little bubble come up around me and protect me from all the bad things. It's difficult to say if I actually am better off where I am now, or where I was last year.
But I don't want to undo any of it.
This post isn't about how shit everything gets for me. I'm here to pull out my positives.
That sounds dirty.
First, this time last year I was doing college courses that I didn't enjoy and thought I had to keep at anyway when really I could have changed them if I tried really hard. Now I'm really enjoying the new courses I'm doing.
A little bit before this time last year - septembery - I had a horrible flat mate that made me hide away in my room and be scared to even come out and shower. I'm not going to lie. I often only showered once a week when I was sure she was out. Which is disgusting. I washed as best I could and I'm so glad I was wearing wigs then because my hair was rank from not being able to actually wash it. Sometimes I would need to pee so badly but be scared to go to the bathroom. So I'd get dressed and walk into town and use public ones. Although now sometimes I get nervous going downstairs to use the shower, because if the door to the bathroom is shut I can't tell if someone is in there, I force myself to go and find out instead of cowering upstairs. Because stupid little things like that scare me. I also now have a toilet that only I really use.
Last year I had no idea what I wanted to do. Six months ago, I knew exactly what I wanted to do. And now, well, I've got ideas for things I want to do, and I've accepted that it's okay to not know exactly, and to be vague about it.
This time last year I had few friends. I mean I had friends, but I didn't have any really that I could trust completely. Honestly, I still don't quite have that. But I do have people in my life that I can count on.
Last year, I couldn't admit something to myself because it scared me. I'm not saying what it is. But I'm not afraid any more. And there's only one person that might know what it is, but I doubt it because they don't read my blog much because I pestered them too much to last year. Neither of us really mention my blog any more.

A year ago, no matter how much I told myself I was, I was not completely happy. And I've come to realise that I am still not completely happy. But it's okay, because my life has been difficult and it's bound to show through sometimes as sadness or anger. But I do know that these days, I'm a lot happier than I've ever been. And it can only get better.

Even I am not unlucky enough to be worse off than I am now, at this time next year.

What the fuck - typed up

So couple days ago I got really pissed off.
I wrote a short post and promised to write more about it when my face didn't hurt so much.
Basically, I had an appointment to go down to the job centre for no specified reason. I was told that not attending would mean the cancellation of my benefits. I had meant to go down the week before but I was stuck in a hospital bed so my lovely sister had to call up and change the appointment for me.
Well, turned out that it was just to check my circumstances hadn't changed. Actually they have. Because I got a job. That I love to pieces. I do between 8 and 12 hours a week depending on what is needed and don't know exactly until I am in the middle of a shift or sometimes later. Which I don't have a problem with.
I around abouts make the same amount of money as I get a week from my income support.
So I was expecting them to want to reduce that a bit.
You think about it - if I'm working, I have the same expenses as when I'm not, except I also have to travel to work. So If I'm working and not receiving income support, I need to be earning the amount of money I need to pay transport on top of the amount that is equal to my income support.
Income support people don't understand that. Simply earning almost the emount of my income support each week means that I no longer receive income support.
Okay, that means I'm going to really have to cut back on essentials like food, but it is probably doable. Maybe I'll lose weight as well.
Sure okay, much better to be working because I like my job and it means that I like the money I have better because I had to work for it.
However, not only does earning around the amount of my income support stop my income support, it also stops my housing benefit. Which already doesn't cover the cost of my rent. My housing benefit is a higher amount than my income support. Which means I am expected to pay my rent when I'm earning less than what my rent is, also be able to pay petrol to get to work, and buy life essentials such as food. And they don't see a problem with this.
So I'm not sure what options I have if I want to stay alive other than quitting my job.
Which I don't want to do because I need experience and I like it there. This job was really difficult to find, and when I leave college in about June, without experience no one is going to hire me. Which means I will be stuck with nothing to fill my time and be put on bloody job seekers allowance. Which I've heard is a nightmare.

How do I deal with this?

Thursday, 17 October 2013

What the fuck?!

I went to a meeting today and found out that I am better off with not having a job and being on benefits because if I keep working my measly 8-12 hours a week, I lose my income support, and I lose my housing benefit. My working 12 hours a week is just about equal to my income support. How the fuck do they expect me to pay rent?!?!?
I am mad about this, but my face is too much pain to write more about it than that. Will write about this when there is no more pain. Going to watch big bang theory now.

Sunday, 13 October 2013

You guys have been checking for this post.

So the world has decided to test me again.
This month quite a few people have said how I am the most unlucky person that I've come across. Until now I've been like, but there must be someone else who is unlucky, you just can't think of them at the moment. But I think I'm now agreeing. I can't think of any one of my friends who have had a life like mine. The worst part about this, is that my friends don't even know half of what's gone on in my life.
Right now, it is extremely difficult for me to not go down into that dark place where I just wallow. I keep thinking, it would have been a lot easier if I had just died when I came off my bike. That is actually the truth though. If I had died, I wouldn't have any of these new problems to be sorting out. But I would also be dead. which would be pretty shit after  having come through everything I ever have. So I know it's difficult for me looking for positives right now (especially when I'm in so much pain with my jaw as well) But I know that when I've sorted this, I'm going to feel very happy. I'm going to feel very proud of myself for not giving up. And it doesn't matter if I'm the only person who is proud of me, because I'm the only person who needs to be because I'm the only person who has to live this particular life. And I would not want to have someone else live it.
For now, I'm just going to have to sit tight, and keep sucking thin liquids between my teeth. Because I can't separate my teeth enough to even fit the tiniest straw possible through there. And it hurts to suck anything thicker than water (which actually hurts to do as well) through my teeth and then swallow it because my face is swollen, my teeth are being pulled which hurts (more than what braces do guys, so I don't want to hear any of your braces whining any more) and my neck is sore obviously.
I'm actually just kind of achey all over as well.
You can't see well, but this is before they did anything to my jaw and it's to the side

What happened when I came off is, I think, that I came flying off my bike and hit my chin on the road before  anything else. Even with a fitting helmet that would still have caused damage. I was told off for wearing a helmet too big for me and then they CRITICISED ME FOR NOT WEARING THE OPEN FACE HELMET THAT FITS ME. OPEN FACE. Imagine the damage that would have been cause if I'd worn the open face. Seriously. I would have lost my jaw. I would still have been the most beautiful person in Salisbury, but I wouldn't have had a jaw.

Trying to open my mouth with the metal plates in
In my mouth they have wired in some metal plates on the top and bottom rows of teeth that have hooks that go into my gums and have hooked elastics onto them as well. real strong elastics that will hold my jaw in place until it has healed.

This is what's in my mouth

You can't really see much in this photo but you get the idea. I haven't yet moaned about them having had to put three cannula's into me during my stay. This should involve giving me three holes in either my arm, wrist of hand. Actually, they decided to cause me more pain and not be able to get the cannula's in right, and take an overall number of ten stabs which are dotted about over my hands, wrist and inside of elbow. One hand alone has five holes.